White House: Canadian music icons are clairvoyant terrorists
Following Hurricane Katrina's torrential rains and flooding in the Southern US, The Bush administration has compiled a task force dedicated to dissecting lyrics to Tragically Hip songs in an attempt to ward off any other disasters.
New Orleans is Sinking, the hit track from the 1989 album Up to Here, raised alarms in the White House, and President Bush himself ordered the Hip Task Force after hearing the song on a Canadian jukebox.
“We believe the band may have a connection to potential weather terrorism activity,” Bush said in a recent address to the nation. “We have reliable intelligence that shows evidence of the band possessing a weapon of weather altering activity.”
Gord Downie, the Hip's lead singer, categorically denies having any ties with any sort of terrorist activity. He also released an official statement claiming that when the song was penned in 1989, he did not have any advance knowledge of the damage the hurricane would cause in New Orleans.
“That is absolutely crazy,” he stated. “Who ever heard of a weather altering machine? Next they're going to be claiming that I wrote Nautical Disaster before the Titanic sank and kept it somewhere safe so my reincarnated self could record it.”
Downie believes the task force is another attempt by the White House to rattle Canadians into supporting the US War on Terrorism.
“None of it is true, its all just part of their plan. And I'm not the only one who thinks so,” he added. “There's a focus group that can prove that its all nothing but cold calculations.”
The Hip Task Force has worked through about half of the band's catalogue, and has not found any more suspect lyrics. The essence of violence in the track Highway Girl was discomforting, and there was a minor scare when an intern suggested that Blow at High Dough was a secret message to attack Big Tobacco and Big Oil, but final reports stated the song was indeed about a movie being filmed in Toronto.
The Hip Task Force may eventually expand to analyze other Canadian rock groups and musicians; currently the list includes BC-native and activist Matthew Good and East Coast foursome Sloan.
Avril Lavigne, the angry pseudo-punk rocker from Napanee, Ontario, is not on the list; nor are country superstar Shania Twain and mainstream “rock” band Nickelback, because they are believed to have assimilated the US morals, ethics and lifestyles of a true US-born pop star.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
New Orleans is Sinking, the hit track from the 1989 album Up to Here, raised alarms in the White House, and President Bush himself ordered the Hip Task Force after hearing the song on a Canadian jukebox.
“We believe the band may have a connection to potential weather terrorism activity,” Bush said in a recent address to the nation. “We have reliable intelligence that shows evidence of the band possessing a weapon of weather altering activity.”
Gord Downie, the Hip's lead singer, categorically denies having any ties with any sort of terrorist activity. He also released an official statement claiming that when the song was penned in 1989, he did not have any advance knowledge of the damage the hurricane would cause in New Orleans.
“That is absolutely crazy,” he stated. “Who ever heard of a weather altering machine? Next they're going to be claiming that I wrote Nautical Disaster before the Titanic sank and kept it somewhere safe so my reincarnated self could record it.”
Downie believes the task force is another attempt by the White House to rattle Canadians into supporting the US War on Terrorism.
“None of it is true, its all just part of their plan. And I'm not the only one who thinks so,” he added. “There's a focus group that can prove that its all nothing but cold calculations.”
The Hip Task Force has worked through about half of the band's catalogue, and has not found any more suspect lyrics. The essence of violence in the track Highway Girl was discomforting, and there was a minor scare when an intern suggested that Blow at High Dough was a secret message to attack Big Tobacco and Big Oil, but final reports stated the song was indeed about a movie being filmed in Toronto.
The Hip Task Force may eventually expand to analyze other Canadian rock groups and musicians; currently the list includes BC-native and activist Matthew Good and East Coast foursome Sloan.
Avril Lavigne, the angry pseudo-punk rocker from Napanee, Ontario, is not on the list; nor are country superstar Shania Twain and mainstream “rock” band Nickelback, because they are believed to have assimilated the US morals, ethics and lifestyles of a true US-born pop star.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
