Loving hands helps de-stress
Being billed as a new type of system maintenance, the Loving Hands Massage and Alternative Healing Parlour was unveiled as the newest service on campus for staff and students.
“Prostate drainage is, literally, the manual massage of the prostate gland,” explained Fingers, “which causes any built up or deposited matter to be expelled through the urethra. What I'm trying to do is help people feel better, that's my goal. If I can help you, make you feel better, then I've done my job.”
Business has been booming since the centre opened in August.
“The potential OPSEU strike that was averted really helped get us off the ground in August,” claims Fingers. “There were many stressed out people from all walks in the college looking for a little relief. And now that school has started up again I expect business to continue to pick up.”
Fingers' centre offers other services, such as hemorrhoid drainage and colon hydrotherapy and is located in the back of Forwell Hall behind the stage, in the unmarked room with the black door in the north east corner. You can book an appointment by calling GET-2687.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
Billed mainly as a “centre for alternative healing,” the goal of the centre is to provide some relief for up tight and stressed staffers and students. The parlour specializes in Thiele Massage for women and Prostate Massage for men.
“One of the treatments we offer is to move the coccyx about in various ways for our lady clientele,” said owner Melody Fingers. “The other two are to either massage or to stretch muscles attached to the coccyx (the coccyx (or tail) is the lowest part of the vertebral column and is attached by ligaments to the margins of the sacral hiatus) without moving the coccyx. These last two treatments are more successful than moving the coccyx.”
“Prostate drainage is, literally, the manual massage of the prostate gland,” explained Fingers, “which causes any built up or deposited matter to be expelled through the urethra. What I'm trying to do is help people feel better, that's my goal. If I can help you, make you feel better, then I've done my job.”
Business has been booming since the centre opened in August.
“The potential OPSEU strike that was averted really helped get us off the ground in August,” claims Fingers. “There were many stressed out people from all walks in the college looking for a little relief. And now that school has started up again I expect business to continue to pick up.”
Fingers' centre offers other services, such as hemorrhoid drainage and colon hydrotherapy and is located in the back of Forwell Hall behind the stage, in the unmarked room with the black door in the north east corner. You can book an appointment by calling GET-2687.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
