Java junkie opens fire in crowded cafe; decaf to blame
“There were employees and patrons, lying everywhere,” said Hot Coffee, Mississippi ambulance driver, Dick Dripper. “You think of this happening somewhere else. Not here.”
Shock, horror and dismay have swept the small city of Hot Coffee in the wake of an armed attack inside a local coffee house on Tuesday. The victims of an ambush by a self proclaimed java junkie looking for a regular cup of coffee.
The community never expected this.
After a false fire alarm, employees and patrons were sprayed with bullets by suspect Rickey Cambric. At first, patrons thought the noise was an espresso machine malfunctioning.
“We thought it was just one of the many coffee machines malfunctioning,” said customer Brandy Vichy.
The attack left 12 people dead.
“We don't know now and we may never fully understand what could have driven Cambric to deliberately shoot into a crowd,” said Hot Coffee sheriff Arthur Burgos.
While Burgos searches for answers, Cambric began to provide some.
“Why can't I get a regular cup of coffee? Tell me, why can't anyone answer that?” yelled Cambric. “All I wanted was a cup of coffee, black. I didn't want a cappuccino, espresso, or a Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino blended coffee, or any Frappuccino for that matter. And why do they have to cream it up and make it frothy? I just want a cup of coffee. Why can't I just get that?”
The incident was the third fatal shooting at a coffee house in five months and the fourth in which a gunman has opened fire on a group of employees and patrons.
A friend of the suspect said that Cambric had recently switched to decaf and has been on edge since the switch.
“He told me that he was going to snap if he couldn't get a regular grind black coffee, with no sugar added,” said the friend.
Unfortunately, no one believed him.
“We're not gonna get over this in a day or two,” one woman who worked in the school said. “It's gonna hurt us.”
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
Shock, horror and dismay have swept the small city of Hot Coffee in the wake of an armed attack inside a local coffee house on Tuesday. The victims of an ambush by a self proclaimed java junkie looking for a regular cup of coffee.
The community never expected this.
After a false fire alarm, employees and patrons were sprayed with bullets by suspect Rickey Cambric. At first, patrons thought the noise was an espresso machine malfunctioning.
“We thought it was just one of the many coffee machines malfunctioning,” said customer Brandy Vichy.
The attack left 12 people dead.
“We don't know now and we may never fully understand what could have driven Cambric to deliberately shoot into a crowd,” said Hot Coffee sheriff Arthur Burgos.
While Burgos searches for answers, Cambric began to provide some.
“Why can't I get a regular cup of coffee? Tell me, why can't anyone answer that?” yelled Cambric. “All I wanted was a cup of coffee, black. I didn't want a cappuccino, espresso, or a Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino blended coffee, or any Frappuccino for that matter. And why do they have to cream it up and make it frothy? I just want a cup of coffee. Why can't I just get that?”
The incident was the third fatal shooting at a coffee house in five months and the fourth in which a gunman has opened fire on a group of employees and patrons.
A friend of the suspect said that Cambric had recently switched to decaf and has been on edge since the switch.
“He told me that he was going to snap if he couldn't get a regular grind black coffee, with no sugar added,” said the friend.
Unfortunately, no one believed him.
“We're not gonna get over this in a day or two,” one woman who worked in the school said. “It's gonna hurt us.”
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
