As the first in what will likely be a long list of convicted suspects in the Canadian government sponsorship scandal, businessman Paul Coffin has been sentenced to two years less a day of community service.

Coffin, a well-known advertising executive and head of Coffin Communications, was charged with fraud for misappropriating $1.5 million of Canadian funds.

One of the conditions on his sentencing is that he must teach Canadian business students about business ethics, and Coffin has chosen Fanshawe as his school of choice for the class.

“I really like London, and Fanshawe has a great bar,” Coffin said from his holding cell. “I hear they call it Funshawe - that's a good sign!”

Students at Fanshawe are not too excited about having the unscrupulous Coffin teaching them how to behave properly in a business environment, but say that it will be a great excuse in thefuture if they are ever caught in a similar situation.

“If I ever do something unethical, I can use my Coffin-provided education as a scapegoat,” said Business Marketing student Karrie Frye.”How can I be expected to follow the rules if I was taught the rules by Mr. Theft himself?”

Teachers are equally unsettled about having Coffin join their team. Worried that his presence will tarnish the reputation of the program, some have been circulating a petition to have him removed from campus.

“We can't have people thinking that we support his methods of business,” said a Business Advertising teacher who didn't want to be named. “Although maybe there is something to be learned from him - after all, he did manage to steal $1.5 million from the Canadian government.”

Critics of Coffin's methods believe that the task wouldn't have been so hard though, and that anyone with a cereal box business diploma could have done it.

Coffin admitted to the CBC last week that he stole most of the money to support a serious, secret drinking problem. Allegedly, he has a taste for expensive alcohol, and was consuming two to three bottles of $700 scotch a day.

Prime Minister Paul Martin falls under more fire now that Coffin's addiction has been made public; he is also known to drink expensive scotch, and some political analysts and addiction counselors have speculated that their patterns of friendship suggest that Martin not only knew about Coffin's problem, but actually supplied the expensive liquor.

“If you see any news footage of the two of them together, you can see Coffin slip Martin a wad of bills, usually through a sly handshake,” said a local Alcoholics Anonymous leader Keith Adams. “And every once and a while, if the camera is in the right position, you can see Martin slip a small bottle of something, presumably a 20-year old single malt scotch, into Coffin's suit pocket.”

There is no concrete evidence as of yet to implicate that Martin is involved in a bootleg scotch business, but all of Canada will be suspiciously watching his every handshake until the sponsorship scandal comes to an end this winter. Until then, Martin has been advised to use Dial-a-Bottle and stay out of liquor stores across the country.

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.