Hard times befall fast food icon
Life in the fast lane just got a little slower for a fast food legend.
Ronald McDonald, after decades of being the front man for McDonald's Corp was unceremoniously dumped recently as the global conglomerate experienced an erosion of profits for the quarter just ended.
A look into the financial records shows McDonald's reported a profit of $750 million dollars during the latest quarter, down $25 million dollars from the same quarter a year ago.
“We have a responsibility to our shareholders to maximize their returns,” said McDonald's Corp in a released statement. “Part of that responsibility is trimming excess fat from our corporate payroll.”
Cuts to the payroll not only included Ronald, but others such as Grimace, Mayor McCheese, Big Mac, Fry Guys and Gals, Captain Hook, The Happy Meal Guys, and Birdie the Early Bird. Incidentally, the company has kept Hamburglar on because of his ability “to fend for himself and not solely rely on his McDonald's salary to survive.”
“I've been wandering the streets for several weeks now living the life of a hobo, collecting what I can and pushing a dingy shopping cart around,” said Ronald. “I haven't had any luck finding employment either. No one wants to hire an unemployed mascot of a fast food chain.”
Pointing to the alley way that doubles as home for the time being, Ronald reveals that he has been visited by Burger King on occasion.
“On a cold night it is warm comfort to have The King with me,” confessed Ronald. “I know people think he's kind of creepy in that big headed way of his, but I can't be choosy about my lovers at this point.”
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005
Ronald McDonald, after decades of being the front man for McDonald's Corp was unceremoniously dumped recently as the global conglomerate experienced an erosion of profits for the quarter just ended.
A look into the financial records shows McDonald's reported a profit of $750 million dollars during the latest quarter, down $25 million dollars from the same quarter a year ago.
“We have a responsibility to our shareholders to maximize their returns,” said McDonald's Corp in a released statement. “Part of that responsibility is trimming excess fat from our corporate payroll.”
Cuts to the payroll not only included Ronald, but others such as Grimace, Mayor McCheese, Big Mac, Fry Guys and Gals, Captain Hook, The Happy Meal Guys, and Birdie the Early Bird. Incidentally, the company has kept Hamburglar on because of his ability “to fend for himself and not solely rely on his McDonald's salary to survive.”
“I've been wandering the streets for several weeks now living the life of a hobo, collecting what I can and pushing a dingy shopping cart around,” said Ronald. “I haven't had any luck finding employment either. No one wants to hire an unemployed mascot of a fast food chain.”
Pointing to the alley way that doubles as home for the time being, Ronald reveals that he has been visited by Burger King on occasion.
“On a cold night it is warm comfort to have The King with me,” confessed Ronald. “I know people think he's kind of creepy in that big headed way of his, but I can't be choosy about my lovers at this point.”
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005
