It isn't a pretty sight, but neighbours of Harvey Ballbanger can't do much about his outdoor latrine.

“I just can't believe what I have been exposed to when I look out my kitchen window into my backyard,” said first-year Fanshawe student Ivory Rutgers. “This guy, Ballbanger, is like clockwork. He's out there every morning doing his morning business. Sometimes he's on the phone, sometimes he reads the paper, sometimes he has a coffee or beer in his hand. It's disgusting.”

Rutgers roommate Coco Hernandez couldn't agree more.

“You see him sitting there and it looks like he's pushing and squeezing, and his face is all squinted up. If we leave the window open you can here him grunting and sighing. Ewwwww!

“What's really bad is when he goes to clean up. He doesn't stay seated, he gets up, turns around and bends over. Sometimes we see his frank and beans. And he's always muttering about it being a half a roll job, or it being a two wiper. Just gross.”

Ballbanger's unusual toilet was put in place nearly three months ago when his indoor plumbing failed, and he came to love his quick fix solution.

“I love the outdoor exposure. The fresh-air. It's exhilarating,” said Ballbanger. “I just love sitting on that toilet. I feel like a king when
Continued on A5

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Prouldy distorting the truth since 2005