Love Lola: Summer weddings, jobs and sexism
Dear Lola,
This summer so many of my friends are getting married and engaged and I'm feeling left out! Part of me loves the single life - I'm young and this is my chance to try new things before settling down - but another part of me feels like I'm falling behind and I should have all my life figured out by the time I'm 25. I am happy for my friends but I'm also wondering how I should feel about all of this and how do I enjoy the weddings as a single girl?
Signed,
Always a Bridesmaid
Dear Bridesmaid,
It's a sure, yet stinging, sign of adulthood when your dearest friends begin pairing off one by one and stepping out of the singles' line. They're plucked from your side by handsome suitors and dropped into the glittering world of marriage and common-law relationships. It's amazing how one tiny gold band and a small, delicate piece of paper can put a strain on otherwise solid friendships. Your friends probably feel like they are entering into a very important and possibly superior stage in their lives. Marriage symbolizes commitment, maturity and fidelity, right? Being welcomed into the world of “The Marrieds” is like pledging to a top sorority and bringing your favorite boyfriend and china pattern with you. In the land of The Marrieds, men are forced to pretend that they are satisfied sleeping with the same woman for forty years and women are forced to forget any joy, pleasure or freedom they felt when they were single.
For most women, their wildest stories, craziest parties and most spontaneous adventures happened on some random night with their favorite single girlfriends. Somewhere between “for better or for worse” and “kiss the bride” women's memories are wiped clean of any benefit of being a single gal and from that day forward feel nothing but pity and sorrow for anyone they meet who hasn't partnered-up yet.
Please know that somewhere inside your newly engaged pal is a shackled, muted version of herself screaming to join you on the dance floor or the nearest gay bar for a wild girls-only night. That said, I urge you to shamelessly enjoy this time in your life. You may live until you're well into your eighties. You'll have plenty of time for fortieth wedding anniversary dinners down the road. This is your time. As far as handling all the weddings as a solo act? Ask to be seated with the bride's work friends (always the best table) and have a blast dancing and mingling! One more thing; do not get drunk alone. It only fuels the waves of pity and sorrow.
Good luck!
Love Lola
Dear Lola,
My manager has asked me to cover a number of tasks this summer for other employees who are taking holidays. My current role is pretty low on the totem pole, but I'll be covering the duties of many of my superiors for the next few months. I'm happy to be asked, but I'm bothered by the difference in pay I'll be receiving. I know some of these folks make almost twice what I do. How do I approach this topic?
Signed,
Cash-strapped
Dear Strapped,
Congratulations on being asked to do the work of ten men for the pay cheque of one! Obviously you were chosen for your talent and skill set, but let's be certain you weren't also chosen cause you're the office pushover who's a glutton for punishment! Whether or not you should be getting paid for these extra duties completely depends on what tasks you'll actually be doing. If you'll be checking the fax machine, returning messages and taking minutes at a few meetings, you may want to view this as a great opportunity to shine and accept a little extra grunt work to get noticed in a new role (translation=no pay increase). If you'll be doing someone's entire job in their absence; answering all calls, facilitating meetings, making decisions and dealing with customers or clients you deserve a little extra moolah for your efforts.
The very best idea would have been to discuss this when you were originally asked, but obviously you didn't do that. Now, you're in the uncomfortable spot of having to revisit the conversation after already accepting the offer. Awkward! I would approach your manager and be as straight up as possible. This is one of those conversations that may work better in person where you can read her reaction and change course appropriately rather than in an email where tone and meaning always have a way of betraying you. Simply say “I've been thinking about the new responsibilities I'll have this summer and I was wondering if we should consider a change in my salary?” Worse thing she can say is no, right? Either way, keep a solid record of all the extra work you do this summer to present at your next annual review.
Good Luck!
Love Lola
Dear Lola,
My girlfriend has found a fantastic summer job making more than enough money to pay for school next year. I'm still working at the mall, hoping to find something soon to cover my tuition and books. I don't mean to sound sexist, but I can't stand that she's making more money than I am. She's always buying magazines and cappuccinos and I'm getting so irritated watching her waste money! I feel like we could break up over this. Help me get control of myself!
Signed,
Bread Loser
Dear Bread,
Congratulations to your lovely girlfriend for securing a top-notch job this summer. Congratulations to you as well, for securing the position of top schmuck this summer!
Seriously? You've got be feeling pretty sorry for yourself when your cursing your girlfriend for buying a People magazine and an ice cap. In this economy, I'm happy to hear that anyone was able to grab a reasonably well-paying summer position. Students are facing higher tuition costs and lower income year over year and will graduate with debt equal to five year's salary! Kudos to your lady friend.
For years (and years and years) women have faced the frustrating fact that men make more money than us. Men bring home the bacon, right? The breadwinner, the head honcho…throughout history men have brought in way more money than women. Ask your grandmother; she probably didn't have a job outside of the house! She may have lived in the days of receiving an “allowance” from her husband to cover the cost of feminine products and a can of hairspray!
If your girlfriend is earning a good living this summer, you should be proud of her efforts and happy for her success. Or maybe you should move aside so she can meet some new guy this summer who will be!
Good Luck,
Love Lola
This summer so many of my friends are getting married and engaged and I'm feeling left out! Part of me loves the single life - I'm young and this is my chance to try new things before settling down - but another part of me feels like I'm falling behind and I should have all my life figured out by the time I'm 25. I am happy for my friends but I'm also wondering how I should feel about all of this and how do I enjoy the weddings as a single girl?
Signed,
Always a Bridesmaid
Dear Bridesmaid,
It's a sure, yet stinging, sign of adulthood when your dearest friends begin pairing off one by one and stepping out of the singles' line. They're plucked from your side by handsome suitors and dropped into the glittering world of marriage and common-law relationships. It's amazing how one tiny gold band and a small, delicate piece of paper can put a strain on otherwise solid friendships. Your friends probably feel like they are entering into a very important and possibly superior stage in their lives. Marriage symbolizes commitment, maturity and fidelity, right? Being welcomed into the world of “The Marrieds” is like pledging to a top sorority and bringing your favorite boyfriend and china pattern with you. In the land of The Marrieds, men are forced to pretend that they are satisfied sleeping with the same woman for forty years and women are forced to forget any joy, pleasure or freedom they felt when they were single.
For most women, their wildest stories, craziest parties and most spontaneous adventures happened on some random night with their favorite single girlfriends. Somewhere between “for better or for worse” and “kiss the bride” women's memories are wiped clean of any benefit of being a single gal and from that day forward feel nothing but pity and sorrow for anyone they meet who hasn't partnered-up yet.
Please know that somewhere inside your newly engaged pal is a shackled, muted version of herself screaming to join you on the dance floor or the nearest gay bar for a wild girls-only night. That said, I urge you to shamelessly enjoy this time in your life. You may live until you're well into your eighties. You'll have plenty of time for fortieth wedding anniversary dinners down the road. This is your time. As far as handling all the weddings as a solo act? Ask to be seated with the bride's work friends (always the best table) and have a blast dancing and mingling! One more thing; do not get drunk alone. It only fuels the waves of pity and sorrow.
Good luck!
Love Lola
Dear Lola,
My manager has asked me to cover a number of tasks this summer for other employees who are taking holidays. My current role is pretty low on the totem pole, but I'll be covering the duties of many of my superiors for the next few months. I'm happy to be asked, but I'm bothered by the difference in pay I'll be receiving. I know some of these folks make almost twice what I do. How do I approach this topic?
Signed,
Cash-strapped
Dear Strapped,
Congratulations on being asked to do the work of ten men for the pay cheque of one! Obviously you were chosen for your talent and skill set, but let's be certain you weren't also chosen cause you're the office pushover who's a glutton for punishment! Whether or not you should be getting paid for these extra duties completely depends on what tasks you'll actually be doing. If you'll be checking the fax machine, returning messages and taking minutes at a few meetings, you may want to view this as a great opportunity to shine and accept a little extra grunt work to get noticed in a new role (translation=no pay increase). If you'll be doing someone's entire job in their absence; answering all calls, facilitating meetings, making decisions and dealing with customers or clients you deserve a little extra moolah for your efforts.
The very best idea would have been to discuss this when you were originally asked, but obviously you didn't do that. Now, you're in the uncomfortable spot of having to revisit the conversation after already accepting the offer. Awkward! I would approach your manager and be as straight up as possible. This is one of those conversations that may work better in person where you can read her reaction and change course appropriately rather than in an email where tone and meaning always have a way of betraying you. Simply say “I've been thinking about the new responsibilities I'll have this summer and I was wondering if we should consider a change in my salary?” Worse thing she can say is no, right? Either way, keep a solid record of all the extra work you do this summer to present at your next annual review.
Good Luck!
Love Lola
Dear Lola,
My girlfriend has found a fantastic summer job making more than enough money to pay for school next year. I'm still working at the mall, hoping to find something soon to cover my tuition and books. I don't mean to sound sexist, but I can't stand that she's making more money than I am. She's always buying magazines and cappuccinos and I'm getting so irritated watching her waste money! I feel like we could break up over this. Help me get control of myself!
Signed,
Bread Loser
Dear Bread,
Congratulations to your lovely girlfriend for securing a top-notch job this summer. Congratulations to you as well, for securing the position of top schmuck this summer!
Seriously? You've got be feeling pretty sorry for yourself when your cursing your girlfriend for buying a People magazine and an ice cap. In this economy, I'm happy to hear that anyone was able to grab a reasonably well-paying summer position. Students are facing higher tuition costs and lower income year over year and will graduate with debt equal to five year's salary! Kudos to your lady friend.
For years (and years and years) women have faced the frustrating fact that men make more money than us. Men bring home the bacon, right? The breadwinner, the head honcho…throughout history men have brought in way more money than women. Ask your grandmother; she probably didn't have a job outside of the house! She may have lived in the days of receiving an “allowance” from her husband to cover the cost of feminine products and a can of hairspray!
If your girlfriend is earning a good living this summer, you should be proud of her efforts and happy for her success. Or maybe you should move aside so she can meet some new guy this summer who will be!
Good Luck,
Love Lola
