Evolution has proven itself again, this time in Australia.

Baby kangaroos have been spotted drinking beer and other alcoholic beverages. Tourists just outside of Brisbane in a city called Noosa witnessed the little marsupials steal cold beer from their cooler.

“The little guy just opened the top and pulled out a brewski. It was crazy. I couldn't believe my eyes,” said Tom Regan, an American tourist who was on vacation for two weeks. “He opened it like he has done it a thousand time. Then he just packed it back- like I would have.”

This is not the first time a report like this has come into Australia's Wild Animal Control Centre, which is based in Melbourne.

Gary Denver, Chief of the Animal Control Unit, said Kangaroos are actually starting to develop opposable thumbs on their paws.

“After years of trying to get these cans open, kangaroos have evolved so their paws are more efficient,” explained Denver. “It really is a new species in the making.”

Denver and his crew of five scientists and environmentalists have been tracking wild kangaroos in Australia for fifteen years. They first documented the opposable thumb change in 1991, when they found three kangaroo kid siblings all with the same paw development.

According to Denver, it didn't take long for the kangaroos to develop a taste for alcohol considering there are three breweries and seven wineries in the region where their pack tends to roam.

“The kangaroos have now spawned and along with their little thumbs they have also given the gene of alcoholism to their offspring,” speculated Denver, who is currently testing the breed to find the gene that also carries the addictive quality.


“Hell, I would drink like that too if it were free,” Regan said. “Damn it's so hot out here I don't know how they would survive without it.”

Denver said Regan has a point when it comes to survival. The Animal Control Unit believes that this particular family of kangaroos has developed such an addiction to alcohol that it may not be able to sustain without it.

Contrary to what alcoholism does to humans, Denver and his team currently cannot find the slightest sign of liver disease or heart abnormalities in the kangaroos.

“They are all perfectly normal. In fact, they are living five to six years longer than other kangaroos who have been alcohol free.”

This new information is leading some people to request further studies on the afects of alcohol on humans.

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.