Love Lola: Threesome has roomie feeling awkward day after
Dear Lola,
I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and I'm pretty happy. We have a lot fun and he's super sweet. This year, we are both heading to college in the same town and I'm sure after graduation we'll be getting married. I love him and I don't really want to date anyone else, I just want to meet new people without always dragging my boyfriend around. I'd like to be able to pause our relationship for a year and just be single so I can see what it's like. Can I ask him to take a ‘break' without breaking up?
Signed
Solo Mission
Dear Solo,
I see where you're coming from; just out of high school, want to live a little, see what the big city's all about. Too bad the sappy lug next to you doesn't appreciate what you're going for.
You see, when girls start a new school or a new job, they search to re-invent themselves through new hair, new clothes and sometimes even a new personality, all with the goal of establishing themselves in a new social class system.
On the other hand, boys are just happy to be out of their parent's house and are hoping for a cool roommate with a compatible game system and possibly an air hockey table. He may not share your hunger to make 10 new best friends in the first week. Guys can be pretty simple creatures, with comfort and familiarity ranking pretty high on their list of priorities.
So, onto your query; can you break someone's heart and expect them to ‘freeze frame' their life and their feelings for 365 days (or longer) until you're magically ready to pick up and hangout with them again? Um, no sugar, you can't.
Chances are, your whimsical journey to the unhinged world of singletons will inspire your current beau to take his own trip down the path to freedom. This is where things could get messy.
While being a single guy in college can mean spending lonely nights listening to Coldplay, it can also mean endless invites to house parties, poker games and nudie bars. Thus exposing your once committed snuggle-tiger to a whole new X-rated lifestyle he might never have discovered if you'd kept him as a house cat.
Single college girls on the other hand, tend to experience a lot of shooter nights, sloppy make outs and uncomfortable evenings of drunken text messaging.
I can see how this picture is so appealing to you.
There's this Richard Bach quote, I'm sure you've read it on a mug somewhere; “If you love someone, set them free. If they comeback they're yours; if they don't they never were”.
With these words, Mr. Bach gave hundreds of fed up people around the world the push they needed to dump their partners and speed off in the opposite direction all in the name of romance. Suddenly leaving your gal for her best friend could be justified as a test of love, faith and soulmate-ness. Gah!
If you really do love him, as you claim to, then consider yourself lucky to have found him so early in life. You know long ago, people used to actually meet and marry in their early twenties. Look at your grandparents or great grandparents; they probably married at your age!
A rash of bad films in the 80's made young girls believe that a husband, a house and a family MUST be preceded by a decade of spinning classes, condos and girls-only trips to Vegas. A whole generation full of Carrie Bradshaw-wannabes has led to thousands of women in their mid-30s desperately searching for ‘the one' and making drastic exceptions to find their ideal mate in a futile attempt to harvest their shriveling eggs and avoid painful, expensive IVF treatments.
If you're 21 and you've found a great guy; hold onto him for Pete's sake! Letting him stray off the path will just lead him into the arms of some hungry cougar.
If you truthfully feel that you're done with him, then go ahead. Let yourself experience the gripping, nauseating thrill that comes with being single. Jump onto the roller coaster; step in line behind 1,000 other American Eagle-clad nymphets searching for their true love.
Just hurry up and decide; there could be a hot guy in your History class.
Dear Lola,
I'm already in a pickle and school hasn't even started! I got into a situation where the drinks were flowing and my new roommate and I decided to invite a cute boy down the street over for a night of fun. Well, without giving away all the details, I'm feeling kind of awkward now towards this new roomie. I've never shared a guy before, let alone done things with another girl. What do you suggest I do to get past this? I don't know if I can look my roomie in the eye.
Signed,
Morning After Ill
Dear Morning After,
Well, kudos for you for making a smashing entrance this year! One weekend in and you're already locking lips, hooking up with neighbours and experimenting with your sexuality. I love the smell of frolicking freshman in the air; it must be September!
So, you kissed a girl. Perhaps you touched and tasted parts that were new to you and now you're spinning out of control? Breathe. You're not the first bi-curious kitten to walk these halls. Colleges and universities offer students a strong educational experience; and not all of it happens in the classroom.
Let's take it from the top; you were drinking and got carried away in a daring sexual adventure. My first concern is safety. If you were drunk enough to forget you weren't a lesbian, you may have also forgotten to use protection. Please make an appointment ASAP with your doctor to get yourself checked out for pregnancy and STIs.
Secondly, if you and your gal pal haven't talked about what happened yet, she's probably as freaked as you are. A three-way is a delicate, private dance that can quickly turn into a sloppy hump-fest with inexperienced strangers. I'm sure she's feeling a little uncomfortable as well.
You need to bring it up to her. Just do it, quick like a band-aid. Start with something honest like: “The other night was sort of a random experience. I've never done anything like that before. How was I?” The humour might break the tension and at least you'll be able to gauge whether she's terrified or intrigued by your drunken tousle.
See here's the thing, your roomie may be equally new at this, or perhaps this is how she rolls. You need to figure out; is she straight or is she gay? Are you awkward around her because you think she's into you or are you maybe worried that you enjoyed it more than you expected to?
See, college and university is a time for true self-discovery. I don't just mean, realizing you want to be a Legal Aid, but truly discovering or uncovering truths about yourself that are new and real and exciting.
Perhaps what you're really feeling is awkwardness with yourself. If you're still struggling to identify what the night may have meant to you, you're obviously going to find it difficult to talk to your roommate about it.
There's always a chance that this night will simply count as your ‘one random college bi-curious experience' and you'll continue dating boys until the right one shows up and marries you.
Or perhaps, this night is the beginning of something more, a taste of something sweeter.
Either way, be straight (no pun intended) with her; you're new at this and you're wondering how she feels. Good Luck!
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and I'm pretty happy. We have a lot fun and he's super sweet. This year, we are both heading to college in the same town and I'm sure after graduation we'll be getting married. I love him and I don't really want to date anyone else, I just want to meet new people without always dragging my boyfriend around. I'd like to be able to pause our relationship for a year and just be single so I can see what it's like. Can I ask him to take a ‘break' without breaking up?
Signed
Solo Mission
Dear Solo,
I see where you're coming from; just out of high school, want to live a little, see what the big city's all about. Too bad the sappy lug next to you doesn't appreciate what you're going for.
You see, when girls start a new school or a new job, they search to re-invent themselves through new hair, new clothes and sometimes even a new personality, all with the goal of establishing themselves in a new social class system.
On the other hand, boys are just happy to be out of their parent's house and are hoping for a cool roommate with a compatible game system and possibly an air hockey table. He may not share your hunger to make 10 new best friends in the first week. Guys can be pretty simple creatures, with comfort and familiarity ranking pretty high on their list of priorities.
So, onto your query; can you break someone's heart and expect them to ‘freeze frame' their life and their feelings for 365 days (or longer) until you're magically ready to pick up and hangout with them again? Um, no sugar, you can't.
Chances are, your whimsical journey to the unhinged world of singletons will inspire your current beau to take his own trip down the path to freedom. This is where things could get messy.
While being a single guy in college can mean spending lonely nights listening to Coldplay, it can also mean endless invites to house parties, poker games and nudie bars. Thus exposing your once committed snuggle-tiger to a whole new X-rated lifestyle he might never have discovered if you'd kept him as a house cat.
Single college girls on the other hand, tend to experience a lot of shooter nights, sloppy make outs and uncomfortable evenings of drunken text messaging.
I can see how this picture is so appealing to you.
There's this Richard Bach quote, I'm sure you've read it on a mug somewhere; “If you love someone, set them free. If they comeback they're yours; if they don't they never were”.
With these words, Mr. Bach gave hundreds of fed up people around the world the push they needed to dump their partners and speed off in the opposite direction all in the name of romance. Suddenly leaving your gal for her best friend could be justified as a test of love, faith and soulmate-ness. Gah!
If you really do love him, as you claim to, then consider yourself lucky to have found him so early in life. You know long ago, people used to actually meet and marry in their early twenties. Look at your grandparents or great grandparents; they probably married at your age!
A rash of bad films in the 80's made young girls believe that a husband, a house and a family MUST be preceded by a decade of spinning classes, condos and girls-only trips to Vegas. A whole generation full of Carrie Bradshaw-wannabes has led to thousands of women in their mid-30s desperately searching for ‘the one' and making drastic exceptions to find their ideal mate in a futile attempt to harvest their shriveling eggs and avoid painful, expensive IVF treatments.
If you're 21 and you've found a great guy; hold onto him for Pete's sake! Letting him stray off the path will just lead him into the arms of some hungry cougar.
If you truthfully feel that you're done with him, then go ahead. Let yourself experience the gripping, nauseating thrill that comes with being single. Jump onto the roller coaster; step in line behind 1,000 other American Eagle-clad nymphets searching for their true love.
Just hurry up and decide; there could be a hot guy in your History class.
Dear Lola,
I'm already in a pickle and school hasn't even started! I got into a situation where the drinks were flowing and my new roommate and I decided to invite a cute boy down the street over for a night of fun. Well, without giving away all the details, I'm feeling kind of awkward now towards this new roomie. I've never shared a guy before, let alone done things with another girl. What do you suggest I do to get past this? I don't know if I can look my roomie in the eye.
Signed,
Morning After Ill
Dear Morning After,
Well, kudos for you for making a smashing entrance this year! One weekend in and you're already locking lips, hooking up with neighbours and experimenting with your sexuality. I love the smell of frolicking freshman in the air; it must be September!
So, you kissed a girl. Perhaps you touched and tasted parts that were new to you and now you're spinning out of control? Breathe. You're not the first bi-curious kitten to walk these halls. Colleges and universities offer students a strong educational experience; and not all of it happens in the classroom.
Let's take it from the top; you were drinking and got carried away in a daring sexual adventure. My first concern is safety. If you were drunk enough to forget you weren't a lesbian, you may have also forgotten to use protection. Please make an appointment ASAP with your doctor to get yourself checked out for pregnancy and STIs.
Secondly, if you and your gal pal haven't talked about what happened yet, she's probably as freaked as you are. A three-way is a delicate, private dance that can quickly turn into a sloppy hump-fest with inexperienced strangers. I'm sure she's feeling a little uncomfortable as well.
You need to bring it up to her. Just do it, quick like a band-aid. Start with something honest like: “The other night was sort of a random experience. I've never done anything like that before. How was I?” The humour might break the tension and at least you'll be able to gauge whether she's terrified or intrigued by your drunken tousle.
See here's the thing, your roomie may be equally new at this, or perhaps this is how she rolls. You need to figure out; is she straight or is she gay? Are you awkward around her because you think she's into you or are you maybe worried that you enjoyed it more than you expected to?
See, college and university is a time for true self-discovery. I don't just mean, realizing you want to be a Legal Aid, but truly discovering or uncovering truths about yourself that are new and real and exciting.
Perhaps what you're really feeling is awkwardness with yourself. If you're still struggling to identify what the night may have meant to you, you're obviously going to find it difficult to talk to your roommate about it.
There's always a chance that this night will simply count as your ‘one random college bi-curious experience' and you'll continue dating boys until the right one shows up and marries you.
Or perhaps, this night is the beginning of something more, a taste of something sweeter.
Either way, be straight (no pun intended) with her; you're new at this and you're wondering how she feels. Good Luck!
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
