Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

We're just a few short weeks away from Christmas, and I couldn't be more excited. I love all kinds of movies, but one of my favourite genres is the Christmas film. There have been some terrible ones over the years — Miracle on 34th Street, It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story were all celluloid equivalents of lumps of coal in my stocking. However, the same cannot be said for this week's film, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

As the film begins, we see two sad looking Martian children watching a television screen. We instantly know they are Martians because their faces are painted green and they have clothes hangers attached to their head. Absolutely no expense was spared bringing this story to life.

The children are watching an Earth program, a live interview with Santa Claus at his workshop in the North Pole. Now how these space beings are able to pick up Earth programs, yet I cannot get a decent reception on a station from Cleveland is beyond me. Santa is shown smoking a pipe, which is a little odd, as I always pictured him as more of a chewing tobacco man.

The parents on Mars are worried about their children, as they are growing more despondent and lazy. They also are not eating their food pills - what healthy child wouldn't love wolfing down a hamburger in tablet form? So the Martian elders decide to do the same thing I do when I am faced with a dilemma - visit a crazy old bearded man in a cave.

This particular crazy fellow tells the Martians to capture Santa Claus, and bring him to Mars to spread joy to their children. So they hastily head to Earth, only to discover that there are fat, white bearded men in red suits all over the place.

Luckily they manage to find two young children who are hanging around in some woods, without parental supervision. The children, without thinking twice, give up the real Santa's location. The Martians then show their appreciation by taking the kids aboard their spaceship.

With a little help from a man wearing a polar bear suit and a robot that appears to be constructed using cardboard and some Campbell's soup cans, the Martians find their target, and bring Claus back to their home planet.

So Santa spreads some joy to their children, but that's not enough for those dastardly aliens. They inform Santa that he will not be returning to Earth, and have him setup a new toy workshop. This does not sit well with Santa, who by this point has to be going through nicotine withdrawal.

Do Santa and the young Earthlings make it back home in time for Christmas? Do the Martians anally probe Santa? Normally I would tell you to run out to your local retailer and purchase a copy of the film to get your answers. But I realize times are tough in this economy, plus you probably have loads of presents to buy for family and friends. Well I have some great news for you. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is now public domain. For some bizarre reason, the makers of this masterpiece did not renew the copyright on this film. That means you can legally download the film from a variety of sources, such as www.moviesfoundonline.com/santa_claus_conquers_the_martians.php.

So this busy holiday season, gather the family around the computer, throw a few logs on the fire, and enjoy Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, the most heartwarming tale of intergalactic child abduction ever captured on film.