It was supposed to be the biggest event of the year at Fanshawe. Months of planning and promotion went into the first “Re-Run Monday” night at the Out Back Shack. But then it all went to hell.

The date was January 7, 2008 - although the day has now been re-dubbed “Black Monday”. The premiere of “Re-Run Monday” at the Out Back Shack was to have seen the screening of nearly six hours of the popular 1980s situation comedy “ALF” on the Out Back Shack's big screen TV. However, things went horribly wrong, when instead the current program “Heroes” was shown in its place. What made the situation even worse is that the FSU had flown in ALF to sign autographs and take pictures with the Shack's patrons.

Not only was his program unexpectedly banished from the big screen, but also ALF himself was kept out of the Out Back Shack by security. The question is, what's with all the “ALF” hating?

“A simple misunderstanding is all it was,” said a representative from the Shack. “ALF's real name is Gordon Shumway. Last year we had a student named Gordon Shamley who caused a lot of trouble, so he was banned. Plus this Shamley fellow was also relatively short, and kind of hairy. We thought ALF was the one on our banned list, so we didn't let him in, and thought it wise not to draw attention to him by putting him up on our big screen. It was a simple case of mistaken identity.”

The Shack representative said it all worked out for the best.

“I'm sure most of the students of Fanshawe already have their own DVD copies of “ALF”. However, it's not like in the year 2008, a student can just sit at home on any Monday night and watch an episode of “Heroes” on television" (a quick perusal of the periodical TV Guide shows this statement to be quite incorrect).

While some students may have been disappointed over not having the chance to see such classic “ALF” episodes such as the one where ALF develops a gambling problem and runs into trouble with a bookie, those students ire could not match that of ALF.

“I'm a big star, I shouldn't be treated this way! I've headlined all over — Melmac, Los Angeles, New York, Oshawa - I've been everywhere. Somebody is going to be sued over this - when my lawyer is done with this case, I'll own not only the Out Back Shack, but also the whole damn college. Ha-ha!”

Eyewitness accounts claim that while the Shack staff may have initially been incorrect for keeping ALF out of the establishment, they were later given just cause for doing so. ALF was said to have become quite belligerent as he waited outside the bar for several hours. “I'm ALF damnit!” the alien life form from Melmac shouted. He also physically threatened a bouncer, and banged on the Shack's windows. One young lady even had to fend off sexual advances from ALF, or so she thought.

“It was awful,” said a female Fanshawe student who wished not to be named. Fighting back tears, she continued, “He was screaming through the door at me - I want to eat your pu**y. I've never felt so degraded.”

“Hey, I love to eat cats,” explained ALF. “Everybody knows that. I spent four years trying to get Lucky - you know Lucky, the plucky cat that the Tanner family owned. If that girl didn't want me eating her cat, no problem, I'll dine on another feline. Maybe If I'd worn a Shack Security shirt she would've changed her tune.”

ALF, a.k.a. Gordon Shumway has now been permanently placed on the Out Back Shack's banned list, and will not be allowed in even if the FSU manages to find a good price on a copy of “ALF” season 2.

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.