Mayberry's Barney Fife was unavailable and Steven Seagal said he had more important things to do like save the world with his kick-ass martial arts moves than patrol the hallways of Fanshawe College, which is looking to restore law and order in what's becoming a lawless campus filled with renegade students doing no good. So the long arm of campus security services reached across the border deep into the heart of Texas (which by the way is half the size of Ontario) to pluck its newest enforcement officer.

“I am pleased to welcome our new Security Supervisor, Bronco “Buck” James and his horse Trigger, to the Campus Security Services Department at Fanshawe,” said head of security Eduardo Pimento. Buck and Trigger recently relocated to the London area from Texas, where he served as a deputy sheriff for a number of years under Cordell Walker, a Dallas-based member of the Texas Rangers as a Primary K-9 Handler.”

Reports have also surfaced that the college also interviewed Charles Bronson for the position and was strongly considered for the job, however concerns were raised about Bronson's vigilante attitude and ultra-violent tendencies that showed up in a personality test.

“We liked Charles a lot,” revealed Pimento, “but there were people on the hiring committee who felt even Charles was too violent for our area, and in light of what happened at the Career Fair a few weeks back with that he said she said baloney we needed to take that into consideration.

“Could you imagine if Charles got the job and was ever appointed a Special Constable on campus with the authority to enforce the law over at Fleming Drive during one of those wild parties. I'd think those kids would have a death wish if they lipped off to him. No matter how tempting it is we just couldn't afford to send students home in body bags.”

Changes in the security services area can already be seen, most prominently in the music being played in the area. Pimento ordered DJ Styles to “mix-up some country and music CD's” for ambient background music to make Buck feel more at home. Styles proceeded to put some of Buck's favourites like George Jones, Ned Miller and Loretta Lynn into an easy listening mix.

Why Buck was hired remains a mystery as people are wondering why someone with Buck's impressive credentials would take a job here at Fanshawe. Speculation has led many to believe Buck is here to investigate a recent rash of patronage appointments at the highest levels of the college that have left many spinning their heads.

“No comment,” said Buck when asked. “Loose lips sink ships.”

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.