Why wait?
Sex. It seems like everyone is doing it these days. But what about those people who choose to wait to have sex? What’s the reason for it, and why is it such an important decision to make?
Kevin Norcross is a Youth Pastor at North Park Community Church. He has spoken with many young people who are struggling with the decision to wait to have sex. When asked why it is such an important decision, he responded by quoting Ephesians 5:31: “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh.”
Norcross uses two pieces of paper to help illustrate the concept. “I take a piece of blue construction paper and a piece of pink construction paper, representing a boy and a girl. I glue the pieces of paper together and let it dry. Scripture teaches that when you have sexual intercourse with someone, you become one flesh with that person. If sex isn’t within the boundaries of marriage, then it’s ripping apart at that flesh.” When the papers representing a man and a woman are torn apart, the figures are destroyed. “It’s a very important issue, because when young people have sex outside of marriage and then they separate, it’s very damaging to their spirit and their heart, and it’s not the way God intended it.”
What about people who may not have faith? Why is this still an important decision for them to make? Norcross stated that having sex before marriage can bring on a lot of emotional baggage. “It can create a lot of bad habits in one’s life. Let’s say you’re just seeking self-pleasure and not commitment.” He noted that the risks associated with intercourse – sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancy – are two other reasons to wait.
But when it comes down to it, the reality is that choosing to wait can be downright difficult. “It’s very difficult to wait because God created us to be sexual beings. Especially young people, they’re very driven by their sexual desires. We live in a very sexually charged society, and it’s difficult for students to focus on God,” said Norcross.
The truth is, it’s inevitable that temptations are going to arise. However, there are ways that you can deal with the temptation and not fall victim to it. Have someone in your life that you trust – a friend, a family member, a relative – that you talk to if you ever feel tempted or make a mistake. Because the truth is, you are not alone. Chances are that others are going through the same thing as you are.
If you want to avoid temptation, surround yourself with other people. Go out somewhere in public, such as a mall or a friend’s house. Walks and having different hobbies can be very helpful too.
If you’re still struggling with the decision to wait or if you’re confused and unsure of what to do, “pray about it, to talk to God about it, and ask for strength” said Norcross.
But if you do slip up, it’s not the end of the world. “We’re not an environment where we come down on people and point a finger at people for making mistakes, we all make mistakes. If we give those mistakes to God, he can make something great with them.”
John Katalayi
Why wait? “I choose to wait because I feel like that’s something to be proud of. Nowadays it’s very unpopular to wait; you actually get more respect for the amount of people you've slept with as a guy. I wait because I want my future wife to be proud, but more importantly I wait because that's what the word of God says we should do, and as a Christian, that's what I go by. I want to seek Him first rather than my selfish desires.”
How tough has it been? “It’s hard to wait because of peer pressure, and the temptation is crazy, but I busy myself with basketball or music or surround myself with Godly people to remind of why I should wait and I try to stay away from places that I know are no good. But we’re only human, right? So I’ve failed, but I’ve gotten back up again.”
Liza (name changed to protect privacy)
Why wait? “Waiting is simply a matter of self-respect and confidence – self-respect in that nobody but the one you choose will get to experience your body, and confidence in that you know who that person will be when you meet them. That confidence takes time to build.”
How tough has it been? “Sometimes it is difficult to wait because you have so much confidence in the man that you want to marry that you will have many temptations to ‘make him happy.’ However, it is important to follow through on your words, as one's actions reflect one much more than their words. Those temptations are extremely hard to fight … so it is good not to arouse any temptations before marriage.”
What do you do to fight temptation? “When temptation did arise, I would try to regain control of my body and mind as to not stir anything up. It is difficult to do, but I would remind myself that I am strong enough to overcome, and that I can reach my goal. It is like any goal – you have to fight your way to it, and that hard work pays off in the end.”
Alex Watts
Why wait? “It was pretty easy (to wait), since I had better things to do with my time than to chase girls around. But then I got a girlfriend who was looking for a more ‘intimate’ experience in the relationship. We didn't have sex, but it set the bar for further down the road. After being exposed to the other side of the sex issue, and honestly enjoying it, I let my guard down and the illusion of nobility was gone. Other opportunities arose, and each time I held back less and less. After a time, I succumbed to my hormones and sexually saturated mind and went all the way. It was probably the worst decision I've made so far in my life. If I were able to do it all over again, I would set out to pursue a more virtuous relationship from the beginning. Even preventing myself from making out, which in my opinion is just a prelude to more intimate acts. When I first had sex, it wasn't even all that great, but something was lost. It's hard to explain, but it's almost like something was taken from me. I felt guilty, ashamed, and dirty. Not the results I had hoped for.”
How tough has it been? “I would definitely choose to wait if I could do it again. It is extremely difficult to wait, however. I feel sex is so pervasive in our society that it blows up the expectations that we have and makes us want to have it even more than what is normal. Sex is so commonplace that it's normal now for younger and younger teens to have sex … Waiting is the hardest thing to do if you're a hormone-raging teen.”
How do you fight temptation? “If there is any temptation (and there will be), I find it best to do something productive, such as cleaning, going for a walk, being in a public setting like a mall or restaurant. Being alone is definitely a danger-zone, so be alone but be alone surrounded by people.”
Steph Abraham (Eckert)
*Note: Steph was married in June; this interview was conducted before her wedding
Why wait? “I'm currently engaged to be married, and my fiancé and I have not slept together. We both want to wait and agreed from the beginning that's what we would do. Sex is a sign of commitment and love, not just romance. You cannot possibly be more physically intimate with a person than when you have sex, and this is something we both want protected inside the promise of marriage. Sex totally changes a relationship! Once you have truly given your whole self to someone, that's not something that can be taken back. I want to make sure the ONLY person I give my whole self to is my husband, and even though we are engaged, he isn't my husband yet.”
How tough has it been? “It's not easy! I think anyone who says it's easy to wait is lying. Of course we want to have sex because we love each other and are committed to one another. When you're growing so deeply in your emotional, intellectual and spiritual connections, it creates a tension to grow in a similar way physically. It's the one area being held back.”
How do you fight temptation? “For us, temptation has sort of become a choice. If we know we're going to be alone late at night, we'll text a friend to keep us accountable, or we'll make sure we're with people or in public. I will admit to times when we both were weak in this area, but for the most part, you know what situations cause you to feel tempted, and it's just best to avoid those times. I am SO excited to marry my best friend, and give my whole self to him for the first time on our wedding night! It is so reassuring that I will be the only person to sleep with my husband. Also, it's such an incredible feeling to have someone look you in the eyes and say, ‘You are worth waiting for.’"
Kevin Norcross is a Youth Pastor at North Park Community Church. He has spoken with many young people who are struggling with the decision to wait to have sex. When asked why it is such an important decision, he responded by quoting Ephesians 5:31: “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh.”
Norcross uses two pieces of paper to help illustrate the concept. “I take a piece of blue construction paper and a piece of pink construction paper, representing a boy and a girl. I glue the pieces of paper together and let it dry. Scripture teaches that when you have sexual intercourse with someone, you become one flesh with that person. If sex isn’t within the boundaries of marriage, then it’s ripping apart at that flesh.” When the papers representing a man and a woman are torn apart, the figures are destroyed. “It’s a very important issue, because when young people have sex outside of marriage and then they separate, it’s very damaging to their spirit and their heart, and it’s not the way God intended it.”
What about people who may not have faith? Why is this still an important decision for them to make? Norcross stated that having sex before marriage can bring on a lot of emotional baggage. “It can create a lot of bad habits in one’s life. Let’s say you’re just seeking self-pleasure and not commitment.” He noted that the risks associated with intercourse – sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancy – are two other reasons to wait.
But when it comes down to it, the reality is that choosing to wait can be downright difficult. “It’s very difficult to wait because God created us to be sexual beings. Especially young people, they’re very driven by their sexual desires. We live in a very sexually charged society, and it’s difficult for students to focus on God,” said Norcross.
The truth is, it’s inevitable that temptations are going to arise. However, there are ways that you can deal with the temptation and not fall victim to it. Have someone in your life that you trust – a friend, a family member, a relative – that you talk to if you ever feel tempted or make a mistake. Because the truth is, you are not alone. Chances are that others are going through the same thing as you are.
If you want to avoid temptation, surround yourself with other people. Go out somewhere in public, such as a mall or a friend’s house. Walks and having different hobbies can be very helpful too.
If you’re still struggling with the decision to wait or if you’re confused and unsure of what to do, “pray about it, to talk to God about it, and ask for strength” said Norcross.
But if you do slip up, it’s not the end of the world. “We’re not an environment where we come down on people and point a finger at people for making mistakes, we all make mistakes. If we give those mistakes to God, he can make something great with them.”
John Katalayi
Why wait? “I choose to wait because I feel like that’s something to be proud of. Nowadays it’s very unpopular to wait; you actually get more respect for the amount of people you've slept with as a guy. I wait because I want my future wife to be proud, but more importantly I wait because that's what the word of God says we should do, and as a Christian, that's what I go by. I want to seek Him first rather than my selfish desires.”
How tough has it been? “It’s hard to wait because of peer pressure, and the temptation is crazy, but I busy myself with basketball or music or surround myself with Godly people to remind of why I should wait and I try to stay away from places that I know are no good. But we’re only human, right? So I’ve failed, but I’ve gotten back up again.”
Liza (name changed to protect privacy)
Why wait? “Waiting is simply a matter of self-respect and confidence – self-respect in that nobody but the one you choose will get to experience your body, and confidence in that you know who that person will be when you meet them. That confidence takes time to build.”
How tough has it been? “Sometimes it is difficult to wait because you have so much confidence in the man that you want to marry that you will have many temptations to ‘make him happy.’ However, it is important to follow through on your words, as one's actions reflect one much more than their words. Those temptations are extremely hard to fight … so it is good not to arouse any temptations before marriage.”
What do you do to fight temptation? “When temptation did arise, I would try to regain control of my body and mind as to not stir anything up. It is difficult to do, but I would remind myself that I am strong enough to overcome, and that I can reach my goal. It is like any goal – you have to fight your way to it, and that hard work pays off in the end.”
Alex Watts
Why wait? “It was pretty easy (to wait), since I had better things to do with my time than to chase girls around. But then I got a girlfriend who was looking for a more ‘intimate’ experience in the relationship. We didn't have sex, but it set the bar for further down the road. After being exposed to the other side of the sex issue, and honestly enjoying it, I let my guard down and the illusion of nobility was gone. Other opportunities arose, and each time I held back less and less. After a time, I succumbed to my hormones and sexually saturated mind and went all the way. It was probably the worst decision I've made so far in my life. If I were able to do it all over again, I would set out to pursue a more virtuous relationship from the beginning. Even preventing myself from making out, which in my opinion is just a prelude to more intimate acts. When I first had sex, it wasn't even all that great, but something was lost. It's hard to explain, but it's almost like something was taken from me. I felt guilty, ashamed, and dirty. Not the results I had hoped for.”
How tough has it been? “I would definitely choose to wait if I could do it again. It is extremely difficult to wait, however. I feel sex is so pervasive in our society that it blows up the expectations that we have and makes us want to have it even more than what is normal. Sex is so commonplace that it's normal now for younger and younger teens to have sex … Waiting is the hardest thing to do if you're a hormone-raging teen.”
How do you fight temptation? “If there is any temptation (and there will be), I find it best to do something productive, such as cleaning, going for a walk, being in a public setting like a mall or restaurant. Being alone is definitely a danger-zone, so be alone but be alone surrounded by people.”
Steph Abraham (Eckert)
*Note: Steph was married in June; this interview was conducted before her wedding
Why wait? “I'm currently engaged to be married, and my fiancé and I have not slept together. We both want to wait and agreed from the beginning that's what we would do. Sex is a sign of commitment and love, not just romance. You cannot possibly be more physically intimate with a person than when you have sex, and this is something we both want protected inside the promise of marriage. Sex totally changes a relationship! Once you have truly given your whole self to someone, that's not something that can be taken back. I want to make sure the ONLY person I give my whole self to is my husband, and even though we are engaged, he isn't my husband yet.”
How tough has it been? “It's not easy! I think anyone who says it's easy to wait is lying. Of course we want to have sex because we love each other and are committed to one another. When you're growing so deeply in your emotional, intellectual and spiritual connections, it creates a tension to grow in a similar way physically. It's the one area being held back.”
How do you fight temptation? “For us, temptation has sort of become a choice. If we know we're going to be alone late at night, we'll text a friend to keep us accountable, or we'll make sure we're with people or in public. I will admit to times when we both were weak in this area, but for the most part, you know what situations cause you to feel tempted, and it's just best to avoid those times. I am SO excited to marry my best friend, and give my whole self to him for the first time on our wedding night! It is so reassuring that I will be the only person to sleep with my husband. Also, it's such an incredible feeling to have someone look you in the eyes and say, ‘You are worth waiting for.’"
