PM Harper attacked by unhappy baby at press conference
Nine-month old Tyler Richardson expressed his distaste with the Prime Minister's plan to scrap the Liberal child care plan in favour of a monthly payment. As Harper picked him up to pose for a photo op at the Happyland Daycare Centre, where Harper was holding a press conference to speak about the new plan, Tyler put hit fist in his mouth, slobbered all over it, and then wiped it on the Prime Minister's face.
He then made a series of gurgling and cooing noises, which child babble interpreters read as, “What is $1200 worth of beer and popcorn money going to do for ME!?!”
Harper tried to laugh off the incident, accepting a handkershief passed to him by one of his aides to wipe the spit of his face, but television and newspaper reporters who caught the scene on film said that he could not hide his immediate fear of the child.
However, the Prime Minister's spokespeople claim that he was not afraid of the tyke; rather, he was deep in thought about what the child had said, and was in fact “listening to his young constituants.”
Once the initial shock of the hand in his face was over, Harper made a seemingly smooth transition as he explained to the crowd about the money that each parent would receive for children under six years, which would amount to about $1200 a year per child.
“I actually had some lessons on how to behave in the presence of children,” Harper told a local reporter. “My good friend George W. explained to me the finer points of delivering press conferences in a children's setting.
“He said that experience has taught him that when something shocking happens, to just go on pretending like nothing happened, until you can make a run for it.”
There has been specualtion that the comment referred to the 2001 incident when George W. continued to read to preschoolers after receiving intelligence reports that hijacked planes were flying into the World Trade Centre.
While this certainly wasn't as grim as his US counterpart's fateful daycare appearance, Harper still wanted to maintain a level of composure over the situation.
Press wasn't able to photograph the exchange of pleasantries between the two because all press were immediately ushered out of the room by security, and told to wait outside until Harper was ready to make a prepared statement about the incident.
He never appeared, however; sourses say they saw him slip out the back door, through the playground, down the slip ‘n' slide and into a waiting limosine.
The entire conference was designed as an effort to bolster support from the opposition supporters, since Harper's child care plan is widely seen as a step backwards in Canadian child care. Instead, political analysts claim that the entire day can now be “added to the long list of things Harper has done, or will do, that we can make fun of.”
Harper's chief aide said plans to make further announcements about the child care plan will likely be moved from high-risk areas like the Happyland Daycare to a more secure environment, where each action can be planned and controlled. This will likely mean a closed-door meeting in a secret room within Queen's Park. Other locations that have been tabled include exclusive, members-only country clubs and gated parks, but the squirrel-to-gun ratio could not possibly fall into an acceptable range for the Prime Minister, and would leave to many options for disaster.
The daycare incident has led to the cancellation of a social security and penion announcement being moved from Shady Pines Retirement Community in Saskatoon, SK.
As for Tyler Richardson, he will have a note posted on his permanent file, which will be exponged upon his graduation from grade 12. Until then, he will be consistantly marked as a troublemaker by all 50+ English teachers and pushover principles.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
