A cheap bastard's guide to living well
Between gas prices and grocery
prices on the rise, people have
stopped living the high life and
have turned to thrifty methods to
just get by. College kids who are
out on their own for the first time
have it even harder — tuition doesn't
pay itself! If you want to save
some serious dough, then I have
some tips for you.
Dumpster Diving
Go to a pizza shop 10 minutes after it closes to find yourself treated to your own personal buffet. They may not be hot and ready anymore, but it's still pizza. Coffee shops are also hotspots to find perfectly good muffins and cookies that have only been sitting there for 12 hours — nothing a couple of seconds in the microwave won't fix!
Free Samples
You'll have to brush up on your acting chops to get full effect out of this one. Go to any grocery store and make a meal out of the different free samples from each table. If you act really interested in the product, the samplers will give you a couple of each item to try. If you're lucky, you'll be able to get a whole meal out of it. Bring a date with you to really impress.
Wedding Crash
Just hang out near churches in a suit and act like you belong there. Your alibi is you're a distant cousin or his second cousin's dog walker's sister — it's foolproof and no one will catch on. Remember to bring a duffle bag to stash some of that rice they threw earlier and some wedding cake in there. You can do the same at graduations — there's usually one kid whose parents couldn't show up for you to take advantage of.
Dress the Part to Skip the Cover
Why pay for events when you can fake your way in? Buy yourself a black jacket and write “SECURITY” in white marker on the back, then pop one headphone into your ear to get into any concert or sporting event. If you stand up tall and walk like you're busy, no one will dare to question you. If someone does start to raise suspicion, tell them you got a B-645 down in quadrant 37-G and run off in a panic.
Make Your Own Stamps
Going to the post office is a pain in the ass enough, but adding on 63 cents for stamps is just crazy! Why pay for stamps when you can make yours just as good at home? Cut a small piece of paper and put some glue on the back. Get some crayons and draw a pretty picture of a unicorn or Darth Vader on it, stick it on your mail and it's all ready to be sent off. If cops show up at your door and say you committed “mail fraud,” they're just jealous of your awesome artistic skills and smart money-saving mind.
Stay in School Forever
When you apply for OSAP, you don't need to start paying it back until six months after you leave school. If you never leave school, you'll never have to pay it back. Live on the government's free money and take every course from Horticulture to History of the Pez Dispenser. Not only will you be saving money, but you'll be the smartest person in the world. The best part of this plan is they'll never be able to charge you when you're done school — you'll be dead!
Break Up with your Significant Other
Guys, we all know dating is expensive. I mean, with all of the going out for dinner, the movies and buying them gifts, you'd practically have to be a billionaire to afford it. Just tell your partner outright “it's not me, it's you” and dump 'em. Celebrate your new cheap, single life by sitting at home on Friday night quietly in the dark — who can afford electricity?
Movies on the Cheap (or Free)
When going to the movies, print your tickets out at home or at the self-serve kiosk and give yourself a seniors discount to save a few bucks. No 17-year-old kid getting paid minimum wage is going to check your ticket or even care. Bring your own popcorn maker and kernels into the theatre and make your own to avoid giving those theatre-owning fatcats money for overpriced snacks.
Drink for Free
We all know that drunk people = spills. Ring out the rags on the bar to fill up your glass with a nice secondhand drink. Act like you're part of a bachelorette party to get in on some free shots. Make your own wine and beer at home, and bring them into the bathroom to drink.
Pay in Pennies
Go to the store and pick up a couple things you need. When you reach the checkout, bring out a jar full of pennies. When they tell you they don't accept pennies anymore, act confused and yell about how it's legal tender and walk out angrily without paying... carrying home your bagful of groceries.
Take Advantage of Fast Food Restaurants
Bring in jerrycans and buckets fill them with soda from the fountain. Take as many napkins you can to save money on toilet paper. Take knives, forks and spoons to get yourself a new fancy cutlery set. Eat half of your hamburger and then return it, saying you didn't ask for pickles.
Dumpster Diving
Go to a pizza shop 10 minutes after it closes to find yourself treated to your own personal buffet. They may not be hot and ready anymore, but it's still pizza. Coffee shops are also hotspots to find perfectly good muffins and cookies that have only been sitting there for 12 hours — nothing a couple of seconds in the microwave won't fix!
Free Samples
You'll have to brush up on your acting chops to get full effect out of this one. Go to any grocery store and make a meal out of the different free samples from each table. If you act really interested in the product, the samplers will give you a couple of each item to try. If you're lucky, you'll be able to get a whole meal out of it. Bring a date with you to really impress.
Wedding Crash
Just hang out near churches in a suit and act like you belong there. Your alibi is you're a distant cousin or his second cousin's dog walker's sister — it's foolproof and no one will catch on. Remember to bring a duffle bag to stash some of that rice they threw earlier and some wedding cake in there. You can do the same at graduations — there's usually one kid whose parents couldn't show up for you to take advantage of.
Dress the Part to Skip the Cover
Why pay for events when you can fake your way in? Buy yourself a black jacket and write “SECURITY” in white marker on the back, then pop one headphone into your ear to get into any concert or sporting event. If you stand up tall and walk like you're busy, no one will dare to question you. If someone does start to raise suspicion, tell them you got a B-645 down in quadrant 37-G and run off in a panic.
Make Your Own Stamps
Going to the post office is a pain in the ass enough, but adding on 63 cents for stamps is just crazy! Why pay for stamps when you can make yours just as good at home? Cut a small piece of paper and put some glue on the back. Get some crayons and draw a pretty picture of a unicorn or Darth Vader on it, stick it on your mail and it's all ready to be sent off. If cops show up at your door and say you committed “mail fraud,” they're just jealous of your awesome artistic skills and smart money-saving mind.
Stay in School Forever
When you apply for OSAP, you don't need to start paying it back until six months after you leave school. If you never leave school, you'll never have to pay it back. Live on the government's free money and take every course from Horticulture to History of the Pez Dispenser. Not only will you be saving money, but you'll be the smartest person in the world. The best part of this plan is they'll never be able to charge you when you're done school — you'll be dead!
Break Up with your Significant Other
Guys, we all know dating is expensive. I mean, with all of the going out for dinner, the movies and buying them gifts, you'd practically have to be a billionaire to afford it. Just tell your partner outright “it's not me, it's you” and dump 'em. Celebrate your new cheap, single life by sitting at home on Friday night quietly in the dark — who can afford electricity?
Movies on the Cheap (or Free)
When going to the movies, print your tickets out at home or at the self-serve kiosk and give yourself a seniors discount to save a few bucks. No 17-year-old kid getting paid minimum wage is going to check your ticket or even care. Bring your own popcorn maker and kernels into the theatre and make your own to avoid giving those theatre-owning fatcats money for overpriced snacks.
Drink for Free
We all know that drunk people = spills. Ring out the rags on the bar to fill up your glass with a nice secondhand drink. Act like you're part of a bachelorette party to get in on some free shots. Make your own wine and beer at home, and bring them into the bathroom to drink.
Pay in Pennies
Go to the store and pick up a couple things you need. When you reach the checkout, bring out a jar full of pennies. When they tell you they don't accept pennies anymore, act confused and yell about how it's legal tender and walk out angrily without paying... carrying home your bagful of groceries.
Take Advantage of Fast Food Restaurants
Bring in jerrycans and buckets fill them with soda from the fountain. Take as many napkins you can to save money on toilet paper. Take knives, forks and spoons to get yourself a new fancy cutlery set. Eat half of your hamburger and then return it, saying you didn't ask for pickles.
