Timber shortage sparks chopstick conservation; fuels debate
The Western Silverware Society (WSS), a centuries-old group of British and American aristocrats, is celebrating today after an announcement that the use of chopsticks will be greatly reduced around the world.
Many countries are implementing new or increased taxes on disposable chopsticks as the global timber shortage continues to grow at a staggeringly quick rate. The shortage is being blamed partly on a longer and more aggressive fire season in most of the Southern United States and Western Canada, which supplies nearly 60 per cent of the world's useable timber. Willy Nelson's $3.2 million dollar log cabin mansion in the heart of Montana is also cited as a major factor in the dwindling supply.
Wooden chopsticks, the kind most commonly found in western world Chinese buffet franchises, contribute 58 per cent of the world's wood waste products. The new tax will hopefully force chopstick-users to cut down and try a fork, the WSS said.
“We would hope that all connoisseurs of fine food would engage us in our cause to promote the use of fine dining utensils such as the family silver and/or bone china sets,” said Madame Marie Albright, Chair of the Martha's Vineyard, Mass. chapter of the WSS. Her husband, Lord Stanley Albright added that if an individual searches hard enough, nearly every attic, basement or forgotten curio cabinet in North America houses some sort of family heirloom dining ware.
But John Nguyen, night manager of the Harmony Buffet on King Street in downtown London, claims that the tax will simply put more money in government pockets.
“People aren't going to stop using chopsticks; not when they come to the Harmony, at least,” he said. “We offer chopsticks with each meal, because its part of the experience.
“When a customer loses grip and drops them on the floor, we give them another set and they try again.”
Not to say that the cleaning staff wouldn't appreciate cutting back on the hard to use utensils, Nguyen added. The Harmony closes half an hour earlier than typical restaurants to allow the staff enough time to clean all the food off the floor, which unskilled Westerners often drop while trying to learn to eat with chopsticks. “Would it be easier for us to only offer traditional western forks and knives? Of course it would, but that would take away from the experience of eating at our restaurant.”
The WSS doesn't want to see the use of chopsticks become entirely extinct, and believe that the use of them is an important part of Eastern culture. However, the Albrights claim that if North American eateries stopped using them, lumber industries could decrease clear-cutting by six per cent in the first year alone.
The entire argument could be avoided with increased manufacturing of plastic, reusable chopsticks that are washed and redistributed to customers in restaurants, much like plates, drinking glasses and conventional silverware, but no one has tabled an offer to implement this option.
The WSS is also engaged in a drawn-out legal battle over the manufacture and sale of the “spork” which is wildly popular amongst camping and outdoors enthusiasts, and will be filing a formal complaint against companies that produce the bendable drinking straw, an irreplaceable utensil for those aged 2-12 years.
According to a US Clearcutting Protection Agency known as TreeFriends, another high-waste product causing problems for the nations' forests is the stick used for ice cream treats, most commonly referred to as the Popsicle stick. TreeFriends reports on their website that nearly one half of all disposable wooden stick waste comes from Popsicle sticks. While they do come with a variety of delicious frozen desserts, their waste is causing global destruction.
“We would be happiest if the US, and someday the world, would give up their addiction to foods on a stick and stick to enjoying their ice cream in a cone,” said TreeFriends founder and CEO, Daisy Moonbeam. “We don't even care if they have a waffle cone!” she added in defiance.
Popsicle brand spokesperson Brent Freisen said that while Popsicle is concerned about the environment, there is little they can do right now to help curb the problem, claiming that a move to plastic sticks would anger an entirely different group of environmentalists.
He added that it would also “take something away from the entire Popsicle experience,” but could not adequately define the total experience he referred to. Instead, he opened a Fudgesicle and reponded, “Mmmmmm...”
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
Many countries are implementing new or increased taxes on disposable chopsticks as the global timber shortage continues to grow at a staggeringly quick rate. The shortage is being blamed partly on a longer and more aggressive fire season in most of the Southern United States and Western Canada, which supplies nearly 60 per cent of the world's useable timber. Willy Nelson's $3.2 million dollar log cabin mansion in the heart of Montana is also cited as a major factor in the dwindling supply.
Wooden chopsticks, the kind most commonly found in western world Chinese buffet franchises, contribute 58 per cent of the world's wood waste products. The new tax will hopefully force chopstick-users to cut down and try a fork, the WSS said.
“We would hope that all connoisseurs of fine food would engage us in our cause to promote the use of fine dining utensils such as the family silver and/or bone china sets,” said Madame Marie Albright, Chair of the Martha's Vineyard, Mass. chapter of the WSS. Her husband, Lord Stanley Albright added that if an individual searches hard enough, nearly every attic, basement or forgotten curio cabinet in North America houses some sort of family heirloom dining ware.
But John Nguyen, night manager of the Harmony Buffet on King Street in downtown London, claims that the tax will simply put more money in government pockets.
“People aren't going to stop using chopsticks; not when they come to the Harmony, at least,” he said. “We offer chopsticks with each meal, because its part of the experience.
“When a customer loses grip and drops them on the floor, we give them another set and they try again.”
Not to say that the cleaning staff wouldn't appreciate cutting back on the hard to use utensils, Nguyen added. The Harmony closes half an hour earlier than typical restaurants to allow the staff enough time to clean all the food off the floor, which unskilled Westerners often drop while trying to learn to eat with chopsticks. “Would it be easier for us to only offer traditional western forks and knives? Of course it would, but that would take away from the experience of eating at our restaurant.”
The WSS doesn't want to see the use of chopsticks become entirely extinct, and believe that the use of them is an important part of Eastern culture. However, the Albrights claim that if North American eateries stopped using them, lumber industries could decrease clear-cutting by six per cent in the first year alone.
The entire argument could be avoided with increased manufacturing of plastic, reusable chopsticks that are washed and redistributed to customers in restaurants, much like plates, drinking glasses and conventional silverware, but no one has tabled an offer to implement this option.
The WSS is also engaged in a drawn-out legal battle over the manufacture and sale of the “spork” which is wildly popular amongst camping and outdoors enthusiasts, and will be filing a formal complaint against companies that produce the bendable drinking straw, an irreplaceable utensil for those aged 2-12 years.
According to a US Clearcutting Protection Agency known as TreeFriends, another high-waste product causing problems for the nations' forests is the stick used for ice cream treats, most commonly referred to as the Popsicle stick. TreeFriends reports on their website that nearly one half of all disposable wooden stick waste comes from Popsicle sticks. While they do come with a variety of delicious frozen desserts, their waste is causing global destruction.
“We would be happiest if the US, and someday the world, would give up their addiction to foods on a stick and stick to enjoying their ice cream in a cone,” said TreeFriends founder and CEO, Daisy Moonbeam. “We don't even care if they have a waffle cone!” she added in defiance.
Popsicle brand spokesperson Brent Freisen said that while Popsicle is concerned about the environment, there is little they can do right now to help curb the problem, claiming that a move to plastic sticks would anger an entirely different group of environmentalists.
He added that it would also “take something away from the entire Popsicle experience,” but could not adequately define the total experience he referred to. Instead, he opened a Fudgesicle and reponded, “Mmmmmm...”
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
