Now that the lid has finally been lifted, the odor emanating from local OPSEU 110 is unmistakable. The place reeks of sardines.

Several weeks ago no one gave a second thought when Lilly Mason, president of Fanshawe OPSEU Local 49 and coordinator of the provincial strike committee, sat down in front of news cameras and waved a can of sardines in front of them as a symbol of cramped classrooms. But that gesture is being exposed for the self-serving purpose it was. In documents obtained illegally from the Toronto Stock Exchange it appears that three days prior to the sardine can stunt Mason had invested heavily in sardine futures. Complicating matters is that Entertainment Tonight Canada is reporting that Mason recently signed a five-year deal to be a sardine can model.

“When we saw (Mason) waving those sardine cans on TV we knew we had to have her exposing our product on a regular basis instead of this one time photo-op stunt,” said Harry Kodak, president of Sardine Canada. “She just loves the camera. She absolutely radiates, and the camera loves her back. She is a natural and we're tickled to have her signed, sealed and canned.”

Local 49 members are stunned.

“I'd love to shove her in a sardine can,” said one OPSEU member. “And I'd pack it with oil because this is really greasy business. I'm disappointed. Now I know what she does when she isn't teaching that one class she teaches.”

The timing of the sardine can exposure couldn't have happened at a worse time, as Local 49 and the college administration attempt to mend fences now that the province-wide strike has come to an end. College Compensation Appointments Council (CCAC) bargaining head and Fanshawe College VP Academic Janet Taneker and Mason were to begin the healing process by having a slumber party this weekend.

A person close to Taneker said the two ladies were scheduled to “get together and do girly things, like paint each other's toe nails, rent movies and eat lots of popcorn, do each others make-up, play truth or dare and spin the bottle,” but those plans are now in jeopardy.

Apparently the highlight of the evening was going to be Taneker braiding Mason's hair, and Mason was going to dye Taneker's grey mop using her special Clairol Nice ‘N Easy formula (apparently she's a do it yourselfer because she can't afford a Richmond Row hair salon colour treatment on her faculty salary) so the two could look like sisters.

“I think (Taneker) is having second thoughts about getting together as planned. She doesn't want to upset Local 49 members so she's playing it safe,” said a friend. “I think though that (Taneker) really loves (Mason's) latest hair colour and she doesn't want to pass up the opportunity on having that colour for herself. A final decision won't be made until Friday but it's my understanding both ladies have left the date open to go ahead as planned.”

We failed to contact Mason in fear of reeking like sardines.

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.