Why splurge at the Stag Shop when there's a ready source of erotica at your local library?

Yes, it's true. Fanshawe Library is stacked with the raciest reads in the history of English literature, ready to take home for your pleasure. And since smart is the new sexy, these sly old bestsellers can help you slip educated innuendo into any conversation. But if you're a library virgin and don't know where to start, try Aristophanes' Lysistrata.

Why? Well, it's a classic spin on 'Make love, not war.' Written in 413 B.C., during the Peloponnesian War between the Athenians and the Spartans, it begins with all the chicks pissed off that the men are gone to war, leaving them to do the babysitting. In retaliation, Lysistrata calls for a sex strike. And assessing her girls' assets, she can't see how it can go wrong:

Lysistrata: Welcome Lampito! Such lovely breasts to own!

Lampito: Ooh, your fingers assess them, you tickler, I feel as though I were an altar victim.

You'll forgive me if I don't follow this conversation to its conclusion, but we don't have time to finish that here.

The old ladies get sent to take the Acropolis, under the assumption that they're too fragile to aid in any other means, so naturally, they start a riot. The men try to smoke them out, and the old birds douse them with chamber pots for their efforts. Talk about a cold shower.

When the magistrate tries to arrest them, the women stuff him in a dress — the equivalent of, say, dressing a constable in drag after he tries to break up a war protest. But you can't fault the Greek men for trying. By this point, they're all very frustrated (in more ways than one) and run streaking through the agora, or public square, to try to entice the girls back. Very classy, boys. Did I mention their attempt to 'stand up' for themselves?

Well, I guess that was one substitute for Viagra...

Unfortunately for Lysistrata, the girls are almost as desperate for reconciliation, and start sneaking off for sex under the excuse of pregnancy, doing laundry and a fear of owls (I'm sure you've heard that one before). Luckily, the husband of the local wino shows up before the men get desperate enough to try each other on for size:

Lysistrata: Who are you?

Cinesias: I am Cinesias, son of Penis.

Lysistrata: Welcome, dear friend. That glorious name of yours is quite familiar in our ranks. Your wife continually has it in her mouth.

Unfortunately for Cinesias, his wife plays the cocktease until he sues for peace. Athens and Sparta are finally united by their mutual needs, and the play cums to an end.

Beneath the crass comedy, though, there are more serious issues. Historically, Aristophanes may have been advocating for an end to the Peloponnesian War, and the devastating infighting between Greek States that would end their culture and leave it open for the Roman domination in the future. Following his lead, modern playwrights such as Jason Tyne and James Thomas have revised the play to deal with issues of modern feminism and grassroots initiatives for peace.

The personal is the political. Both the misogynistic Aristophanes and the modern feminist quoted here understood the intimate connection between individual and nation. Their philosophy is suggestive of our political and cultural milieu, where sexual expression is seen to underline traditional or liberal bias, and is a litmus test for national freedoms.

Lysistrata. Check it out.

Did you know?
- Dildos were in use during Greek times, and were made out of leather. The women were feeling the effects of war on economy during Lysistrata when the Milesian exports to Athens were interrupted, and they couldn't get masturbation kits.

- Forget Brazilian waxing. According to Lysistrata, Greek women plucked or burnt off their 'undergrowth.'

- One sexual position was apparently 'lionness on a cheese grater.' Your guess is as good as mine for this one.