Not so sexy tales from the E.R.

You're in the throes of passion and everything feels amazing until suddenly … *#&%, that hurts! Many people don't realize that sex can be dangerous, but injuries do happen — frighteningly often, in fact. Here is a collection of some of the most painful, embarrassing and surprising injuries sustained during coitus.

Fractured penis
"Even though it's not a bone, it is entirely possible to fracture your penis," said Betty (last name withheld), a former E.R. Nurse. "It happens when two people are having sex, and the man pulls out a little too far before forcefully thrusting and missing his mark. The action of pushing an erect penis into, say, a public bone, is enough to fracture the tissue."

Essentially a penis fracture is soft tissue damage. A "break" is usually accompanied by an audible noise (aside from the yelp of pain) and an immediate bruise. "If you fracture your penis, either during masturbation or sex, get to the hospital right away," advised Betty. Failure to get the often-necessary surgical repairs can mean a disfigured penis, loss of sensation or erectile disfunction.

Betty's best tip for avoiding this type of injury: "Go slow, be careful and watch where you're aiming."

Objects stuck in the rectum
"People come into the hospital all the time because they have one object or another lodged in their rectums," said Betty. More than just embarrassing or uncomfortable, this can pose a serious medical threat and can often require surgery. Betty said she has seen everything from "the usual like vibrators and dildos to things like fruit and flashlights."

Betty's tip for avoiding this bum-mer of an injury: "Don't put things up there that you can't safely pull back out."

Rug burn
When the desire to get laid is so intense that the bed seems too far away, you may just drop to the floor and get busy right there; however, this might mean trouble for the unlucky party on the bottom.

"When you move any skin back and forth vigorously on a carpeted surface, first-degree burns can be sustained," Betty said. Although a simple case of rug burn might not seem too bad to deal with, "If you're not going to get treatment from a medical professional, put some antibacterial cream on it. Rug burns are open sores and can easily become infected if you don't look after them," Betty cautioned.

Betty's best tip for avoiding rug burn: "Have sex on something soft, like sheets, that won't rip your skin open."

Cuts, bruises, strains and fractures
Among the more minor sex injuries that Betty has encountered are cuts and scrapes on penises from teeth getting accidentally involved during oral sex, pulled back muscles from vigorous thrusting and fractured pubic bones from rough sex.

Betty's best tip for avoiding minor sex injuries: "Know your body and its physical limits. If you try to push past those, there's a good chance you will hurt yourself."

The moral of these tales of sexy time suffering? Don't use enough force to break anything, don't put anything in the back door you can't pull back out, and don't push your limits, because otherwise you may end up on the least sexy kind of bed-rest.