Knocker is putting an end to the Good News for good
Londoners fed up and going nutty with unwanted solicitors and pesky Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on their doors are arming themselves with a product that has been proven to deter would be knockers.
The Big Balled Door Knocker 2006® features an ornate spread-eagled man striking a seductive pose with a set of testicles that would make a bull blush. The testicles act as the knocking apparatus and would be callers will need to have the balls to grab this knocker while giving it a shake.
The Big Balled Door Knocker 2006® is made by the K-Tel company, and representative Glen Justice says the product has been well received and that the company is having trouble keeping store shelves stocked.
“These door knockers are all precision made and hand crafted. Each one is a unique work of art,” said Justice. “We've been really overwhelmed with the response from the product, people just can't wait to get their hands on these puppies.”
A focus group suggested that a product like this was long overdue, and when test marketed at a Kingdom Hall Justice knew the company had a winner.
“We wanted to see what kind of reaction these knockers would have with people, so we set up various doors with all types of knockers as a test to see what doors would get knocked on,” said Justice. “Off the six test doors we set up not one person knocked on The Big Balled Door Knocker 2006®, and there were well over a 1,000 testers at this.”
The company's website also has a testimonials page trumpeting the effectiveness of their product.
“I am 100 per cent pleased with my purchase. I didn't think anything would deter those Jehovah's Witnesses from knocking on my door on a Saturday afternoon while I'm trying to watch wrestling,” writes Phil Poltroon. “This product does everything it claims to do. How refreshing.”
“I couldn't be more pleased with this door knocker,” writes Gladys Flambeau. “I haven't had an unwanted solicitation since I hung that bad boy up. And know the ladies from the bridge club want to play cards at my home all the time. What a bonus.”
But there are those who are not so satisfied with the results.
“I've traded one problem for another,” said Trevor Periwig. “Now instead of having people passing out religious material I've noticed the Girl Guides are coming around a lot more often with their cookies, and that's killing my waistline. The other interesting thing is that I never knew the Boy Scouts sold their apples door to door. I always thought they stood in front of malls and stuff. They just love knocking on my door, but at least they are always smiling when I get to the door, and apples are good for you right? At least I know I'm helping them get to their jamboree.”
The Big Balled Door Knocker 2006® can be found at all fine hardware stores.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
The Big Balled Door Knocker 2006® features an ornate spread-eagled man striking a seductive pose with a set of testicles that would make a bull blush. The testicles act as the knocking apparatus and would be callers will need to have the balls to grab this knocker while giving it a shake.
The Big Balled Door Knocker 2006® is made by the K-Tel company, and representative Glen Justice says the product has been well received and that the company is having trouble keeping store shelves stocked.
“These door knockers are all precision made and hand crafted. Each one is a unique work of art,” said Justice. “We've been really overwhelmed with the response from the product, people just can't wait to get their hands on these puppies.”
A focus group suggested that a product like this was long overdue, and when test marketed at a Kingdom Hall Justice knew the company had a winner.
“We wanted to see what kind of reaction these knockers would have with people, so we set up various doors with all types of knockers as a test to see what doors would get knocked on,” said Justice. “Off the six test doors we set up not one person knocked on The Big Balled Door Knocker 2006®, and there were well over a 1,000 testers at this.”
The company's website also has a testimonials page trumpeting the effectiveness of their product.
“I am 100 per cent pleased with my purchase. I didn't think anything would deter those Jehovah's Witnesses from knocking on my door on a Saturday afternoon while I'm trying to watch wrestling,” writes Phil Poltroon. “This product does everything it claims to do. How refreshing.”
“I couldn't be more pleased with this door knocker,” writes Gladys Flambeau. “I haven't had an unwanted solicitation since I hung that bad boy up. And know the ladies from the bridge club want to play cards at my home all the time. What a bonus.”
But there are those who are not so satisfied with the results.
“I've traded one problem for another,” said Trevor Periwig. “Now instead of having people passing out religious material I've noticed the Girl Guides are coming around a lot more often with their cookies, and that's killing my waistline. The other interesting thing is that I never knew the Boy Scouts sold their apples door to door. I always thought they stood in front of malls and stuff. They just love knocking on my door, but at least they are always smiling when I get to the door, and apples are good for you right? At least I know I'm helping them get to their jamboree.”
The Big Balled Door Knocker 2006® can be found at all fine hardware stores.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
