Santa Claus shot down by NORAD
Said NORAD spokesman Major Red Sphincter, “At 0300 hours yesterday morning, an unregistered airborne conveyance bearing a bearded gentleman with headgear was sighted flying over our air force outpost in the North Pole. Our radar detectors established that the aircraft had a large payload of unidentified objects on board. Two CF-18 Hornet fighters along with a pair of Sea King helicopters were scrambled to intercept the aircraft, which was of an unidentified make, with a glowing red nose-cone in the shape of a reindeer. After a brief radio exchange, the Hornet's fired missiles at the craft, bringing it down.”
As it turns out, the unidentified aircraft was carrying the personification of Christmas, Santa Claus, together with his reindeer on Christmas training exercises in the hinterlands.
Debris consisting of various toys and charred reindeer flesh was strewn over a five kilometre radius at the point of contact. Soldiers were able to salvage some reindeer flesh, and with the aid of an on-site Sea King battery boosted Ronco Food Dehydrator and Jerky Works Gun & Spice Kit were able to make reindeer jerky. Soldiers were unsure if the flesh they had salvaged was Donder, Blitzen, Comet, Cupid, Vixen, Prancer, Dasher or Dancer. They were confident however that it wasn't Rudolph as CF-18 Hornet flight and image recorders confirmed he absorbed a direct missile hit.
Major Sphincter said the event was unfortunate, and blamed the poor audio quality of the radio exchange between the aircraft, leading to the fatal misunderstanding.
Major Sphincter then read the transcript from the cockpit voice recorder recovered from Santa's sleigh.
NORAD: Identify your point of origin. Over.
Unidentified Aircraft: Santa Claus, son.
NORAD: Afghanistan? Identify your purpose. Over.
Unidentified Aircraft: My sleigh's been laden with Christmas presents. We're gearing up and practicing for our annual Christmas mission.
NORAD: Slaying with Bin Laden's terrorist agents? Shoot down the bastard!
End of exchange.
In the wake of the mistake, NORAD has dispatched a battalion of grief and trauma counselors armed with Toys ‘R' Us and Canadian Tire vouchers to tend to distraught children all over North America.
Meanwhile, a group calling itself the Elf Avenging Army has declared war on NORAD (Canada and the United States of America make up NORAD), pledging that all North American children will receive only socks and underwear in their stockings this December.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
