Eating Disorder Testimonial
What started with a busy semester at school turned quickly into a battle with calorie counting, recipe reading and excessive exercise for Katie. While she has managed to maintain healthy eating habits most of the time, every day is a struggle; one that she knows will face her every day for the rest of her life.
Katie isn't this sufferer's real name, but she didn't want to be identified. She is still ashamed of her problem with eating, and doesn't want people to know she struggles. But she does want people to know how easy it is to fall into an unhealthy eating pattern.
“Juggling a full-time course load, a 40-hour work week and a social life didn't leave a lot of time for preparing meals,” she said. “Most of the time I would grab a coffee when I got hungry, and the occasional box of Smarties. Stopping quickly at home between 10 hours of class and eight hours of work, I would grab an apple on my way out the door.”
Katie's disordered eating did not start as a conscious effort to slim down. But once she noticed how much weight she was losing, she began feeling better about herself. Her food choices became healthier, but no more frequent. Instead of the box of Smarties, she would opt for a garden salad.
It didn't take long for Katie to drop 20 pounds. Classmates began commenting on her weight loss, but it was usually complimentary; no one suspected that Katie was taking in less than 1000 calories a day most days. It wasn't until her weight dropped from a stocky 140 lbs to a bony 102 that the compliments turned to concern.
As exams neared and work got busier, Katie ate less and less until she was relying almost entirely on coffee and salad. On many occasions she would skip all meals for three or four days.
“I had chicken on my salad one day because I was really hungry, and it had been so long since I'd eaten anything other than raw veggies that it made me nauseous,” she recalled.
In addition to her virtually non-existent food intake, Katie started exercising, one of the reasons she believes that her friends and family weren't more concerned with her weight loss.
“They thought I was losing weight because I was going to the gym all the time, and that's what I let them believe.”
By Christmas, Katie was barely surviving, and was so emotionally and physically exhausted that she would often lock herself in her room for hours and cry.
“I had no energy to do anything, but I was really good at playing enthusiastic at work and school. I was hiding it really well, and no one noticed how sick I was.”
It took a visit home for her to realize that she was dealing with anorexia.
“My mom thought I was too skinny, and would make me sit at the table and eat. For the first few days it made me so sick, but since I refused to admit I had a problem I would do it just to prove her wrong.”
The rapid increase in her caloric intake quickly put 25 lbs back on her emaciated frame; every pound gained added to the stress she was feeling, and Katie soon found herself feeling overweight and devastated. Her clothes, usually a size 0, no longer fit, and seemed to get tighter every day. Eating each meal was excruciatingly painful and emotionally draining.
Mom's watchful eye did stop Katie from progressing further into anorexia, but it caused her to start obsessing over everything she ate, counting calories and worrying that if she didn't exercise she would keep getting fat. The more she tried to control her food intake, the harder it was. Eventually, the weight gain was too much for her to handle emotionally and she began seeing a therapist who specialized in eating disorders.
It was during therapy that Katie learned her problem with food was not about food at all, but rather about her fear of appearing out of control to those around her. A highly motivated individual, she felt that giving into a chocolate craving meant she was weak.
“I would resist food temptation because I wanted people to think that I was stronger than them, and ultimately better. I wanted people to think that my life was perfectly balanced. But the resistance couldn't be maintained, and I would give in, binging when no one was around to judge me.”
It has been almost two years since Katie's struggle began, but she is finally able to make progress with help from her therapy sessions. She still insists on going to the gym as often as she can, and feels horribly guilty when she skips a session or has a chocolate bar, but she is making slow progress.
“It will be something that will always be a part of my life. I can never again sit down to a meal and not do a mental calorie calculation,” she admits. “But I hope that with continued therapy and some lessons on how to let up a little and not be so hard on myself, I will be able to stop letting food control my life.”
Katie isn't this sufferer's real name, but she didn't want to be identified. She is still ashamed of her problem with eating, and doesn't want people to know she struggles. But she does want people to know how easy it is to fall into an unhealthy eating pattern.
“Juggling a full-time course load, a 40-hour work week and a social life didn't leave a lot of time for preparing meals,” she said. “Most of the time I would grab a coffee when I got hungry, and the occasional box of Smarties. Stopping quickly at home between 10 hours of class and eight hours of work, I would grab an apple on my way out the door.”
Katie's disordered eating did not start as a conscious effort to slim down. But once she noticed how much weight she was losing, she began feeling better about herself. Her food choices became healthier, but no more frequent. Instead of the box of Smarties, she would opt for a garden salad.
It didn't take long for Katie to drop 20 pounds. Classmates began commenting on her weight loss, but it was usually complimentary; no one suspected that Katie was taking in less than 1000 calories a day most days. It wasn't until her weight dropped from a stocky 140 lbs to a bony 102 that the compliments turned to concern.
As exams neared and work got busier, Katie ate less and less until she was relying almost entirely on coffee and salad. On many occasions she would skip all meals for three or four days.
“I had chicken on my salad one day because I was really hungry, and it had been so long since I'd eaten anything other than raw veggies that it made me nauseous,” she recalled.
In addition to her virtually non-existent food intake, Katie started exercising, one of the reasons she believes that her friends and family weren't more concerned with her weight loss.
“They thought I was losing weight because I was going to the gym all the time, and that's what I let them believe.”
By Christmas, Katie was barely surviving, and was so emotionally and physically exhausted that she would often lock herself in her room for hours and cry.
“I had no energy to do anything, but I was really good at playing enthusiastic at work and school. I was hiding it really well, and no one noticed how sick I was.”
It took a visit home for her to realize that she was dealing with anorexia.
“My mom thought I was too skinny, and would make me sit at the table and eat. For the first few days it made me so sick, but since I refused to admit I had a problem I would do it just to prove her wrong.”
The rapid increase in her caloric intake quickly put 25 lbs back on her emaciated frame; every pound gained added to the stress she was feeling, and Katie soon found herself feeling overweight and devastated. Her clothes, usually a size 0, no longer fit, and seemed to get tighter every day. Eating each meal was excruciatingly painful and emotionally draining.
Mom's watchful eye did stop Katie from progressing further into anorexia, but it caused her to start obsessing over everything she ate, counting calories and worrying that if she didn't exercise she would keep getting fat. The more she tried to control her food intake, the harder it was. Eventually, the weight gain was too much for her to handle emotionally and she began seeing a therapist who specialized in eating disorders.
It was during therapy that Katie learned her problem with food was not about food at all, but rather about her fear of appearing out of control to those around her. A highly motivated individual, she felt that giving into a chocolate craving meant she was weak.
“I would resist food temptation because I wanted people to think that I was stronger than them, and ultimately better. I wanted people to think that my life was perfectly balanced. But the resistance couldn't be maintained, and I would give in, binging when no one was around to judge me.”
It has been almost two years since Katie's struggle began, but she is finally able to make progress with help from her therapy sessions. She still insists on going to the gym as often as she can, and feels horribly guilty when she skips a session or has a chocolate bar, but she is making slow progress.
“It will be something that will always be a part of my life. I can never again sit down to a meal and not do a mental calorie calculation,” she admits. “But I hope that with continued therapy and some lessons on how to let up a little and not be so hard on myself, I will be able to stop letting food control my life.”
