Love Lola: Fetish and Family
Dear Lola,
I've been dating my boyfriend since grade 11, but this year we're trying a long distance relationship and going to different colleges. We text and webcam often during the week and see each other on weekends. I don't think that we're growing apart, but things are definitely changing. My boyfriend's libido is in overdrive! I'm more than happy to indulge his whims, but lately the fetish and kinks are getting weirder. Suddenly he's requesting anal play and experimenting with bondage. This past weekend completely caught me off guard though! He dressed up in a diaper, sat in my lap and insisted on being breastfed and burped. He also wanted me to change his diaper, and he totally got off on it.
I'm left wondering if he's going through some serious separation anxiety or what? Please help! I'm at a loss and I cannot talk about this with my friends.
Cradle Robber
Dear Cradle,
Wow. There's nothing I like more than a little fetish with my morning coffee.
Your letter reminds me of a relationship I had many years ago where the two of us parted ways due to a startling change in sexual behaviour and role-playing preferences. I'm not going to say which one of us was reluctant to participate, but the simple fact is that both partners have to be equally excited by the titillating tricks or it's just plain awkward!
I appreciate that you're “indulging his whims” while he ties you up and has his way with you, but what about your whims? A girl should never have to sacrifice her own desires or feign interest in someone else's fantasy and I think your boyfriend would agree. A half-hearted role-play is just embarrassing for everyone involved. The only way to truly pull off the compelling and complex allure of sexual make-believe is to truly commit yourself to the role! If your boyfriend senses that you're simply calling-it-in or rolling your eyes as he reaches for his man-sized onesie; it's over sweetheart!
It's nice to hear that today's youth are still exploring and discovering new ways to tempt and seduce one another in their college years. Kids these days are losing their virginity so young it's amazing that they still have any stamina or creativity left once they hit their twenties. It sounds like your boyfriend is comfortable enough in your relationship to experiment with new ideas, but he probably should have run one or two of them by you first. A conversation about erotica and the fantasy of incestuous role-playing may seem a bit uncomfortable, but I'm sure the first time he surprised you with anal bondage wasn't a day at the spa either!
The point is, that when one half of a couple decides it's time to spice things up it really should be discussed openly and in advance of the event. At the very least it gives the other person adequate time to, umm, prepare. It's always a considerate gesture to call before dropping in on someone unannounced. The same way it's a common courtesy to warn someone before you attempt to access any unexplored territory. It's just polite, people. A brief discussion prior to your tousle should have involved an agreement about proper lubrication, the use of a safe word or at the very least a preference of Pampers vs. Huggies.
Now, aside from my adamant view that you should absolutely discuss major changes in sexual behaviour with your partner before going full throttle, I do want to address the specific baby-mama fantasy that your boyfriend has instigated with you. What you're describing actually has a name if you can believe it! So please, allow yourself a moment of reassurance in knowing that he is not the first man to prefer diapers to Dockers.
The term “paraphilia” is used to describe a sexual arousal to objects or situations that are not necessarily of the norm. Basically, whether people are aroused by feet, flowers or fruit loops it's described as paraphilia. That said paraphilic infantilism is the more specific desire to wear diapers and be treated like an infant in erotic or sexual situations. There was actually a study done by the American Psychiatric Association that indicated that more than half of the infantilists surveyed were actually heterosexual males. See? He's not a freak.
One explanation for engaging in a fantasy of being treated and held as an infant is an unconscious desire to be adorable, sexually innocent and powerless. It's possible that this year of major change; moving away from home, becoming an adult and going to college has simply overwhelmed your boyfriend's delicate psyche. He may be so fearful of being all-growns-up that he's regressed back to toddler time. Unfortunately, it sounds like he'd like to take you with him.
Talk to this man, please. Not in bed, not on a webcam and for the love of Pete not in a text message! Sit down with him next weekend and discuss what you loved and maybe didn't l-o-v-e about last week. Maybe if you take this time to share a few of your naughty ideas, you two could come to some kind of compromise.
Good Luck!
Dear Lola,
I've been dating this girl for about six months, we met in the summer and everything has been pretty cool so far. I recently met her sister, who will be moving to London in January to come to school. The plan is for them to get an apartment together, so I'd be seeing her sister all the time. The problem is; her sister is AMAZING! My girlfriend is pretty, but her sister is adorable. My girlfriend is smart, but her sister is more intelligent and brainy. We have so much in common; I can't stop thinking about her. I know I'm getting myself into some major trouble. What I'm wondering is how I can flip this situation to work in my favour? This sister could be my soul mate.
All in the Family
Dear Family,
You might as well have just signed your letter “Sloppy Bastard.” This situation has Hot Mess written all over it, buddy.
The only place this would ever work out is in some cheesy romantic comedy where it turned out your girlfriend actually liked your brother too! Hilarity would ensue, some random case of mistaken identity would bring everyone together and you'd all end up happily ever after. In reality though, I'm predicting you as single and short one ball by Christmas.
You can't come between two sisters. You just can't. It's like scientifically impossible. Sure, they might want the best for one another, they might be great friends or they might hate each other's guts, but in the end they're sisters. DNA-bound BFFs for life; whether they like it or not.
I have to say, that I do like that you chose the brainy one. For every girl who's always been the “Jan” to her older sister's “Marcia,” I say thank you for that. I think all the mousy, smart girls out there owe a debt of gratitude to Tina Fey for making brunettes with glasses this year's Vogue!
Bottom line, unless you're planning some drunken, incestuous threesome I think you're out of luck. You're hope that somehow the musk of your testosterone will be more powerful than DNA is just sad. Ambitious…but sad.
Just make up your mind soon, the holidays are approaching and you still have to meet Mom.
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
I've been dating my boyfriend since grade 11, but this year we're trying a long distance relationship and going to different colleges. We text and webcam often during the week and see each other on weekends. I don't think that we're growing apart, but things are definitely changing. My boyfriend's libido is in overdrive! I'm more than happy to indulge his whims, but lately the fetish and kinks are getting weirder. Suddenly he's requesting anal play and experimenting with bondage. This past weekend completely caught me off guard though! He dressed up in a diaper, sat in my lap and insisted on being breastfed and burped. He also wanted me to change his diaper, and he totally got off on it.
I'm left wondering if he's going through some serious separation anxiety or what? Please help! I'm at a loss and I cannot talk about this with my friends.
Cradle Robber
Dear Cradle,
Wow. There's nothing I like more than a little fetish with my morning coffee.
Your letter reminds me of a relationship I had many years ago where the two of us parted ways due to a startling change in sexual behaviour and role-playing preferences. I'm not going to say which one of us was reluctant to participate, but the simple fact is that both partners have to be equally excited by the titillating tricks or it's just plain awkward!
I appreciate that you're “indulging his whims” while he ties you up and has his way with you, but what about your whims? A girl should never have to sacrifice her own desires or feign interest in someone else's fantasy and I think your boyfriend would agree. A half-hearted role-play is just embarrassing for everyone involved. The only way to truly pull off the compelling and complex allure of sexual make-believe is to truly commit yourself to the role! If your boyfriend senses that you're simply calling-it-in or rolling your eyes as he reaches for his man-sized onesie; it's over sweetheart!
It's nice to hear that today's youth are still exploring and discovering new ways to tempt and seduce one another in their college years. Kids these days are losing their virginity so young it's amazing that they still have any stamina or creativity left once they hit their twenties. It sounds like your boyfriend is comfortable enough in your relationship to experiment with new ideas, but he probably should have run one or two of them by you first. A conversation about erotica and the fantasy of incestuous role-playing may seem a bit uncomfortable, but I'm sure the first time he surprised you with anal bondage wasn't a day at the spa either!
The point is, that when one half of a couple decides it's time to spice things up it really should be discussed openly and in advance of the event. At the very least it gives the other person adequate time to, umm, prepare. It's always a considerate gesture to call before dropping in on someone unannounced. The same way it's a common courtesy to warn someone before you attempt to access any unexplored territory. It's just polite, people. A brief discussion prior to your tousle should have involved an agreement about proper lubrication, the use of a safe word or at the very least a preference of Pampers vs. Huggies.
Now, aside from my adamant view that you should absolutely discuss major changes in sexual behaviour with your partner before going full throttle, I do want to address the specific baby-mama fantasy that your boyfriend has instigated with you. What you're describing actually has a name if you can believe it! So please, allow yourself a moment of reassurance in knowing that he is not the first man to prefer diapers to Dockers.
The term “paraphilia” is used to describe a sexual arousal to objects or situations that are not necessarily of the norm. Basically, whether people are aroused by feet, flowers or fruit loops it's described as paraphilia. That said paraphilic infantilism is the more specific desire to wear diapers and be treated like an infant in erotic or sexual situations. There was actually a study done by the American Psychiatric Association that indicated that more than half of the infantilists surveyed were actually heterosexual males. See? He's not a freak.
One explanation for engaging in a fantasy of being treated and held as an infant is an unconscious desire to be adorable, sexually innocent and powerless. It's possible that this year of major change; moving away from home, becoming an adult and going to college has simply overwhelmed your boyfriend's delicate psyche. He may be so fearful of being all-growns-up that he's regressed back to toddler time. Unfortunately, it sounds like he'd like to take you with him.
Talk to this man, please. Not in bed, not on a webcam and for the love of Pete not in a text message! Sit down with him next weekend and discuss what you loved and maybe didn't l-o-v-e about last week. Maybe if you take this time to share a few of your naughty ideas, you two could come to some kind of compromise.
Good Luck!
Dear Lola,
I've been dating this girl for about six months, we met in the summer and everything has been pretty cool so far. I recently met her sister, who will be moving to London in January to come to school. The plan is for them to get an apartment together, so I'd be seeing her sister all the time. The problem is; her sister is AMAZING! My girlfriend is pretty, but her sister is adorable. My girlfriend is smart, but her sister is more intelligent and brainy. We have so much in common; I can't stop thinking about her. I know I'm getting myself into some major trouble. What I'm wondering is how I can flip this situation to work in my favour? This sister could be my soul mate.
All in the Family
Dear Family,
You might as well have just signed your letter “Sloppy Bastard.” This situation has Hot Mess written all over it, buddy.
The only place this would ever work out is in some cheesy romantic comedy where it turned out your girlfriend actually liked your brother too! Hilarity would ensue, some random case of mistaken identity would bring everyone together and you'd all end up happily ever after. In reality though, I'm predicting you as single and short one ball by Christmas.
You can't come between two sisters. You just can't. It's like scientifically impossible. Sure, they might want the best for one another, they might be great friends or they might hate each other's guts, but in the end they're sisters. DNA-bound BFFs for life; whether they like it or not.
I have to say, that I do like that you chose the brainy one. For every girl who's always been the “Jan” to her older sister's “Marcia,” I say thank you for that. I think all the mousy, smart girls out there owe a debt of gratitude to Tina Fey for making brunettes with glasses this year's Vogue!
Bottom line, unless you're planning some drunken, incestuous threesome I think you're out of luck. You're hope that somehow the musk of your testosterone will be more powerful than DNA is just sad. Ambitious…but sad.
Just make up your mind soon, the holidays are approaching and you still have to meet Mom.
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
