Hollywood's biggest night is coming up on February 22, as millions will tune into the Oscars. I won't be one of those viewers. As curious as I am to find out whether Milk or Frost/Nixon had better film editing, I cannot forgive the Academy for leaving many of the year's most deserving recipients off the ballot. So once again, I am forced to hand out my own Cinema Connoisseur awards, better known as The Connies.

Best Picture Award
- The Love Guru
- Zombie Strippers
- The Hottie & The Nottie
- Rambo
- Space Chimps

I'm inclined to give it to Space Chimps, based on premise alone. I mean chimps in outer space, what a concept! However, since I haven't actually seen the movie, it would be unethical for me to reward it. So if I can't give it to the chimps, I've got to give it the strippers. Zombie Strippers is exactly what it sounds like — undead, erotic dancers who cause blood and other bodily fluids to be expelled. The title of the film promised both zombies and strippers, and delivered an abundance of both.

Tax Break Award (film which saw the least return on its investment)
- Australia (Budget: $130 million, Gross: $49 million)
- Speed Racer (Budget: $120 million, Gross: $44 million)
- Bangkok Dangerous (Budget: $45 million, Gross: $15 million)

Although the first two nominees lost more money, I'm giving it to Bangkok Dangerous as sort of a lifetime achievement award for Nicholas Cage. He's been in a lot of flops, and really only rakes in the cash with films that have the words “National” and “Treasure” in them. Congrats Nick, you've earned this one.

The “Huh, You Don't Say” Award (most surprising cinematic development of 2008)
- Hollywood goes to the dogs — Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Marley and Me earn a combined $250 million
- W., the film about beloved outgoing U.S. President George Bush film does little business
- Superhero Movie/ Disaster Movie/Meet The Spartans are different movies? Really?

I think the most surprising development of the year was the success of dog films Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Marley and Me. Not to mention the Oscar nomination of Slumdog Millionaire, which I imagine is about a low rent apartment building for canines. While I have given high marks to several dog films in the past, I'm worried that a trend is starting. With the economy tanking, I think producers are going to cut back on hiring actors, and replace them with cheaper four legged counterparts. I can just envision it now:

Producer: “Welcome to the set Mr. DiCaprio. Now I know we told you that you would be co-starring with Scarlet Johansson, but we had to replace her with this cocker spaniel.”
(Cocker spaniel humps Leo's leg)
End scene.

Best Performance Award
- Jessica Alba in The Love Guru
- Mike Myers in The Love Guru
- Miley Cyrus in Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert
- Jenna Jameson in Zombie Strippers
- Paris Hilton in The Hottie and The Nottie
- Verne Troyer in The Love Guru

I just couldn't narrow it down to only five nominees - there were too many deserving individuals. Sorry Kate Winslet, you didn't make the cut. Go cry at some other awards show. I was tempted to honour Miley Cyrus, since she had a challenging dual role. However, I'm going to give it to Jenna Jameson (as many men in the past have), for jumping out of the porn industry, into a mainstream film. Sure she played a stripper, but it's a start. Someday she'll play a doctor, or a lawyer.

Interestingly enough, Verne Troyer did a reverse Jenna (which sounds like some kind of sexual position), jumping from mainstream films into porn.