Funshawe Five-O busts Rez Pepsi bootleg operation
With the ink barely dry on a Funshawe College product exclusivity agreement with Coca-Cola, Funshawe Five-O swooped in on Falcon House residence room 342 to put an end to bootleg sales of Pepsi-Cola products on Funshawe College campus.
The raid on room 342 occurred at daybreak with a team of 10 security guards including the departments K-9 Unit (actually, the security guard who uses the open field as an off-leash dog park in the mornings was roped in to the raid and brought his dog along). With batons drawn and winter jackets zipped to the neck the guards beat down the door startling the occupants and uncovering a cache of product estimated to have a street value of $340,000.
“We have had Falcon House room 342 under surveillance for sometime,” revealed Funshawe head of security Eduardo Pimento, speaking live on Funshawe's closed circuit TV station, FCTV. “We thought at first we were dealing with the possibility of an adult DVD rental store operation, but we quickly dismissed that notion as farfetched because in reality who would want to rent DVD's on campus?”
Instead Funshawe security uncovered a more sinister plot to infiltrate the campus with Pepsi-Cola products, including Lipton Ice Tea, Brisk, Aquafina, Mug Root Beer and Mountain Dew and all the related diet and flavoured products the cola company offers. Prior to the raid a handful of areas offered Pepsi products, but those products were yanked immediately from store shelves and vending machines were rolled away and replaced with Coca-Cola products and vending machines per Funshawe's agreement with the soft drink giant. Students enraged about the development knew they had an underground alternative, turning to room 342 for the comfort of their favourite beverage. Room 342 had been dealing in Pepsi products since the beginning of the school year, but security had been powerless to do anything about it since Pepsi products hadn't been banned from the campus until last week.
“We were unsure if we would be able to put a stop to this bootleg operation, “offered Pimento, “but when the college inked the deal with Coca-Cola and sent us word that we could finally proceed on room 342 we quickly put into effect Operation Real Thing to stamp out what had become an illegal bootleg operation. I'm not sure what is going on in the minds of this new generation, but Funshawe security needed to send a clear and decisive message on behalf of the college on what this campus stands for.”
A college spokesperson speaking on the condition of anonymity suggested that “while we have sympathy for those who prefer to have a choice when it comes to selecting a beverage, we know that despite what you may think, colas, nutritionally speaking of course are simply a source of sugar, caffeine, caramel coloring, and little else, no matter the brand. In a larger context, the transportation, processing, packaging, and marketing of soda has a huge negative impact on the environment. Considering how little nourishment there is in a can of soda, it seems a huge contradiction to be taking so much away from the environment in order to get it into your mouth. But if we're going to encourage one brand over another then we may as well jump on the gravy train and line our coffers.”
Charged with possessing a banned beverage on campus with the intent to distribute is Herb Tonic and Jimmy “Pop” Soda. The pair are expected to be arraigned before College Council Wednesday in H1005 at 9am. The duo face expulsion from Funshawe and possible lifetime banishment from the Ontario College and University system.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
The raid on room 342 occurred at daybreak with a team of 10 security guards including the departments K-9 Unit (actually, the security guard who uses the open field as an off-leash dog park in the mornings was roped in to the raid and brought his dog along). With batons drawn and winter jackets zipped to the neck the guards beat down the door startling the occupants and uncovering a cache of product estimated to have a street value of $340,000.
“We have had Falcon House room 342 under surveillance for sometime,” revealed Funshawe head of security Eduardo Pimento, speaking live on Funshawe's closed circuit TV station, FCTV. “We thought at first we were dealing with the possibility of an adult DVD rental store operation, but we quickly dismissed that notion as farfetched because in reality who would want to rent DVD's on campus?”
Instead Funshawe security uncovered a more sinister plot to infiltrate the campus with Pepsi-Cola products, including Lipton Ice Tea, Brisk, Aquafina, Mug Root Beer and Mountain Dew and all the related diet and flavoured products the cola company offers. Prior to the raid a handful of areas offered Pepsi products, but those products were yanked immediately from store shelves and vending machines were rolled away and replaced with Coca-Cola products and vending machines per Funshawe's agreement with the soft drink giant. Students enraged about the development knew they had an underground alternative, turning to room 342 for the comfort of their favourite beverage. Room 342 had been dealing in Pepsi products since the beginning of the school year, but security had been powerless to do anything about it since Pepsi products hadn't been banned from the campus until last week.
“We were unsure if we would be able to put a stop to this bootleg operation, “offered Pimento, “but when the college inked the deal with Coca-Cola and sent us word that we could finally proceed on room 342 we quickly put into effect Operation Real Thing to stamp out what had become an illegal bootleg operation. I'm not sure what is going on in the minds of this new generation, but Funshawe security needed to send a clear and decisive message on behalf of the college on what this campus stands for.”
A college spokesperson speaking on the condition of anonymity suggested that “while we have sympathy for those who prefer to have a choice when it comes to selecting a beverage, we know that despite what you may think, colas, nutritionally speaking of course are simply a source of sugar, caffeine, caramel coloring, and little else, no matter the brand. In a larger context, the transportation, processing, packaging, and marketing of soda has a huge negative impact on the environment. Considering how little nourishment there is in a can of soda, it seems a huge contradiction to be taking so much away from the environment in order to get it into your mouth. But if we're going to encourage one brand over another then we may as well jump on the gravy train and line our coffers.”
Charged with possessing a banned beverage on campus with the intent to distribute is Herb Tonic and Jimmy “Pop” Soda. The pair are expected to be arraigned before College Council Wednesday in H1005 at 9am. The duo face expulsion from Funshawe and possible lifetime banishment from the Ontario College and University system.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
