Cooker's breakfast mouthful puts end to long-term relationship
A three-year high school romance abruptly came to an end late last week when Tommy Cooker decided to serve girlfriend Lizzy Driver a taste of her own medicine.
The pair had moved in together in an east London apartment close to Fanshawe College at the end of August for the start of the school year. But things quickly began turning sour for the Dildo, Newfoundland couple, having left their respective nests for the first time for the greener pastures of Ontario.
Trouble in paradise began as the couple began the long car drive to Ontario, and as the minutes turned to hours Cooker's fuse began to shorten. The excitement of relocating to a new city overwhelmed Cooker though, and as most men do in his situation he buttoned his lip and said nothing, but a Friday evening incident brought Cooker's festering emotions to the surface and he decided to exact his revenge the next morning.
“I was making a breakfast of fried eggs for him when he suddenly burst into the kitchen,” recounted Driver, “then he started yelling and screaming. It was very disturbing. I had no clue that he was bothered this much.”
According to Cooker, the morning started as usual when he decided to take action and give Driver her just desserts. Cooker said he rehearsed the following dialogue for three hours the previous night and waited for the right time to burst in. Here is how the conversation went according to Cooker.
“Careful ... careful! Put in some more oil! Oh my god! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more oil. Oh my god! Where are we going to get more oil? They're going to stick! Careful ... careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Lizzy, are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!”
Neighbour Joe Proudfoot heard the racket from his apartment and says that's when Driver sounding perplexed responded.
“What the hell is wrong with you?,” is what Proudfoot says he reportedly heard. “You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?” Then Cooker calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the bloody car.”
Cooker is now living on campus and sleeping and bathing in Fanshawe's library until he can find a new apartment or someone willing to take him in..
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
The pair had moved in together in an east London apartment close to Fanshawe College at the end of August for the start of the school year. But things quickly began turning sour for the Dildo, Newfoundland couple, having left their respective nests for the first time for the greener pastures of Ontario.
Trouble in paradise began as the couple began the long car drive to Ontario, and as the minutes turned to hours Cooker's fuse began to shorten. The excitement of relocating to a new city overwhelmed Cooker though, and as most men do in his situation he buttoned his lip and said nothing, but a Friday evening incident brought Cooker's festering emotions to the surface and he decided to exact his revenge the next morning.
“I was making a breakfast of fried eggs for him when he suddenly burst into the kitchen,” recounted Driver, “then he started yelling and screaming. It was very disturbing. I had no clue that he was bothered this much.”
According to Cooker, the morning started as usual when he decided to take action and give Driver her just desserts. Cooker said he rehearsed the following dialogue for three hours the previous night and waited for the right time to burst in. Here is how the conversation went according to Cooker.
“Careful ... careful! Put in some more oil! Oh my god! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more oil. Oh my god! Where are we going to get more oil? They're going to stick! Careful ... careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Lizzy, are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!”
Neighbour Joe Proudfoot heard the racket from his apartment and says that's when Driver sounding perplexed responded.
“What the hell is wrong with you?,” is what Proudfoot says he reportedly heard. “You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?” Then Cooker calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the bloody car.”
Cooker is now living on campus and sleeping and bathing in Fanshawe's library until he can find a new apartment or someone willing to take him in..
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
