The call is coming from inside the house...

Halloween is the night where all the spooks come out, the murderers fearlessly walk the streets and the undead navigate amongst the living. Anything can happen; anyone can meet an untimely demise on this, the scariest of scary evenings. But with a little common sense and these 10 simple rules, every teenage girl and varsity captain will make it through the night unscathed.

Rule #1 — Don't run up the stairs. This is a bad idea, unless you are wearing a parachute, have a helicopter on your rooftop, or a giant slide that leads out your bedroom window to safety.

Rule #2 — If your girlfriend hears a scary noise in the woods, don't go outside in the dark by yourself to see what it is. Sure, if there's nothing there you will probably get laid, but if there is an axe-wielding psycho hiding in the shrubs your ability to make it back to bed is severely hindered.

Rule #3 — Stay away from the girl you think is your best friend. She is probably the killer.


Rule #4 — It isn't fake blood. Run away.

Rule #5 — If you think there's a murderer tearing through your quaint little neighbourhood, there probably is. Instead of getting a six-pack of beer and investigating with your friends, call the police and leave town.

Rule #6 — When the police don't believe your story about a killer on the loose because you and your buddies reek like pot and beer, leave town anyways.

Rule #7 — Serial killers have some sort of immunity to blunt force head trauma. Do not use a fire extinguisher, cast-iron skillet, or pine 2x4 as a weapon. The killer may fall, but he's definitely going to get back up.

Rule #8 — If you do manage to subdue the murderous villain, do not, under any circumstances, leave the body unsupervised. If you do, he will surely come back to life and kill another two to four people before he is finally killed.

Rule #9 — Don't show any signs of affection towards anyone you actually like. Villains always attack loved ones. This is true for both people and animals.


Rule #10 — Once a killer enters your life, he is NEVER going to go away. You may have seen his body be buried, incinerated or electrocuted; you may have even been the one that pulled the trigger. But somehow, some way, he will be back.