Cinema Connoisseur: Drum roll please... The 17th Annual Connies

Breaking news - Our awards shows are falling at an alarming rate! Apparently some no good lazy writers are upset because people are watching television shows for free on their computing machines.

These greedy writers apparently have been threatening the lives of Hollywood's biggest stars, so George Clooney, Tom Hanks, Reese Witherspoon, Chevy Chase and the rest of Tinseltown's A-list are afraid to leave their homes, resulting in the cancellation of the Golden Globes. The same fate might await the granddaddy of them all, the Academy Awards.

Have no fear though, as the most prestigious awards show is still taking place — the 17th Annual Connies, an awards show where I, the Cinema Connoisseur, vote on every category. So without any further adieu, let's hand out some Connies!

Best Use of Jason Bateman in a Motion Picture:
Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, Juno, The Kingdom, Smokin' Aces, The Ex
After the cancellation of his superb television series “Arrested Development”, Jason Bateman has become one of Hollywood's most in demand thespians.

Not only was he in all the movies listed above, but he also starred as Optimus Prime in Transformers, and took over the role of Mary Jane in Spider Man 3, after Kirsten Dunst stormed off the set.

While he was in many films, he was never utilized any stronger than he was in The Ex. Teaming up with Zach Braff, Bateman delivers a strong layered performance as Chip Sanders, a conniving wheelchair bound ad executive who makes life miserable for Braff's character, whose wife was an old flame of Chip's.

Tax Break Award:
This award goes to the film that had the least amount of profit for every dollar spent on production. Kudos to the all of the producers, who will receive a nice tax break this April due to this operating loss. But only one will receive a Connie Award to go along with it.

- The Golden Compass (starring Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig) Budget: $180 million/Gross: $65 million

- Evan Almighty (starring Steve Carell, Morgan Freeman) Budget: $175 million/Gross: $100 million

- Blonde Ambition (starring Jessica Simpson, Luke Wilson) Budget: $20 million/Gross: $6,422

While The Golden Compass lost more money than any other film this year, no film had a worse dollar-spent-to-dollar earned ratio than the Jessica Simpson film Blonde Ambition. The film earned $384 dollars on its opening weekend. To put that in perspective, a homeless guy that was curled up in a ball outside of one of the theatres that was showing this film earned $421 and two-thirds of a tuna sandwich that same weekend. Be sure to check out my review of Blonde Ambition in a future issue of the Interrobang.

Don Knotts Memorial Funniest Film of the Year Award:
Knocked Up, Superbad, The Simpsons Movie, The Heartbreak Kid, Blades of Glory
This was a golden year for comedy. These nominations delivered big laughs, and with the exception of the Ben Stiller film The Heartbreak Kid, also delivered big cash. I enjoyed all of these films, but if I were held at gunpoint, and asked for my PIN number and choice for funniest film of the year, I'd give the nod to Superbad. So if for some reason you were holding off on seeing Superbad until I recommended it, this is your lucky day.

Most Underappreciated Film of the Year:
Planet Terror, TMNT, Wild Hogs, Black Snake Moan, Shoot ‘Em Up
This is the Connie Awards' equivalent to the Best Picture award at the Oscars. Well, except for the fact that their choices are usually boring, while all of my nominees offer a rollicking good time. We have a movie with crime fighting turtles (TMNT), a woman with a machine gun for a leg (Planet Terror) and a man who kills people with carrots (Shoot ‘Em Up). Plus we have the Tim Allen/John Travolta biker comedy Wild Hogs, which shocked everyone by earning nearly $170 million despite taking a beating from the critics (not this critic though).

In the end I have to give it to Black Snake Moan, which sees Samuel L. Jackson chain a small town woman of ill repute (a.k.a slut), portrayed by Christina Ricci to his radiator until she learns the error of her ways. Jackson is always entertaining, and Ricci made me truly believe she was a filthy tramp.

Even Justin Timberlake delivers a solid performance. Pick this up at your local video store today. Also can you pick me up a bottle of 7-Up while you are there, I'll pay you for it next time I see you.