Hoopster gets slammer dunked
A local high school basketball player may go to the hole, but it'll be the one in jail, not the one on the court. Police arrested 16-year-old Billie Jean Armstrong for calling in several bomb threats in an effort to make sure his team's game was canceled because he had been suspended for it.
Police managed to trace the calls Armstrong made to his home and arrested him. They also searched the school, but found no explosives. The game was delayed over an hour, but it was eventually played. Proving he's not the MVP, Armstrong's team trounced their opponent by 20 points.
Police dragged Armstrong downtown in cuffs. His teammates were shocked about the situation.
“The only bombs (Billie Jean) knows about are the ones he fires up from half court,” said Harry Fitzgerald, a teammate of Armstrong's for the past two years. “I think he thinks he's more important than he really is. I think we're a better team without him.”
For his part, Armstrong says his motivation for calling in the bomb threats were more complex than being portrayed by the media.
“My teammates haven't been supportive of me in a very long time,” revealed Armstrong. “Part of the problem is my handle, the guys call me B.J., She, and a variety of other things because I have a non-traditional boys name, and it has started to affect how I feel about myself.”
Almost on cue, Armstrong's coach, Victor Flamingo, unwittingly supports his fallen players claim when he refers to him as “King”.
“I call him King,” said Flamingo, “after tennis great Billie Jean King. It's better than being called She or some of the other names I've heard. Plus King was a world class athlete in her time, and what guy doesn't want to be called King. Hey, it's good to be the King is what I always say.”
Even the DJ at the games has gotten into the act of poking fun at Armstrong.
“Yeah, I thrown down some Michael Jackson from time to time,” said MC Flashfunk. “How else you gonna introduce a guy like B.J. The fans love it when I spin that old Jackson tune, Billie Jean. The fans love to grab their crotch and tee-hee when they get the vibe.”
The Crown plans to press full court charges against Armstrong after a psychiatric evaluation.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
Police managed to trace the calls Armstrong made to his home and arrested him. They also searched the school, but found no explosives. The game was delayed over an hour, but it was eventually played. Proving he's not the MVP, Armstrong's team trounced their opponent by 20 points.
Police dragged Armstrong downtown in cuffs. His teammates were shocked about the situation.
“The only bombs (Billie Jean) knows about are the ones he fires up from half court,” said Harry Fitzgerald, a teammate of Armstrong's for the past two years. “I think he thinks he's more important than he really is. I think we're a better team without him.”
For his part, Armstrong says his motivation for calling in the bomb threats were more complex than being portrayed by the media.
“My teammates haven't been supportive of me in a very long time,” revealed Armstrong. “Part of the problem is my handle, the guys call me B.J., She, and a variety of other things because I have a non-traditional boys name, and it has started to affect how I feel about myself.”
Almost on cue, Armstrong's coach, Victor Flamingo, unwittingly supports his fallen players claim when he refers to him as “King”.
“I call him King,” said Flamingo, “after tennis great Billie Jean King. It's better than being called She or some of the other names I've heard. Plus King was a world class athlete in her time, and what guy doesn't want to be called King. Hey, it's good to be the King is what I always say.”
Even the DJ at the games has gotten into the act of poking fun at Armstrong.
“Yeah, I thrown down some Michael Jackson from time to time,” said MC Flashfunk. “How else you gonna introduce a guy like B.J. The fans love it when I spin that old Jackson tune, Billie Jean. The fans love to grab their crotch and tee-hee when they get the vibe.”
The Crown plans to press full court charges against Armstrong after a psychiatric evaluation.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
