Reyno Rants: Are you dating Netflix?

Header image for Interrobang article CREDIT: JESSICA THOMPSON
Congratulations on your new relationship, when's the wedding?

With more than 93 million Netflix subscriptions worldwide, the streaming service has over three times more subscribers than Trump has Twitter followers. Or, as the giant Cheeto would probably word it, “Netflix has built a tremendous user base. ‘Yuge. The biggest user base ever. Absolutely the biggest. And the users are gonna pay for it.”

Now that I’ve done my daily Trump burn, let’s get down to the nitty gritty. The heavy hitting questions. The kind of queries that keep you up long into the night.

Are you dating Netflix?

The knee-jerk reaction is obviously a blaring roar of, “Heck no, that’s a weird and preposterous question to ask. How could I even date that, it’s just a website!” For a few people this might be true, but a much larger percentage of people have unknowingly fallen into a loving relationship with the streaming mogul. Here’s how to tell if that includes you.

1. You’ve caught yourself daydreaming about what you’ll do together tonight

If you’re denying this fact then you’re probably a robot programmed to ignore the concept of ‘fun’. With such an abundant library of movies and shows it would be surprising if you had never anticipated what you’ll be watching tonight or on the weekend. When most profiles on OKCupid answer the question, “What are you doing on a Friday night?” with some variation of, “Staying home binge watching Netflix”, it’s pretty clear that most of us anticipate our time together.

2. You’ve blown off plans to stay at home with it

I know that I’m guilty of doing this a lot. Heck I’ve even blown off school and work to continue with my Netflix marathon. It’s not that Netflix is clingy and won’t let us leave, we just aren’t strong enough humans to walk away from such a good thing. With just a few minutes of contemplation, Netflix can get us hooked for hours on end. Let’s face it, paying a $5 cover to go to a bar where the beer is $8 can’t compete with a new season of Stranger Things.

3. You spend a lot of time together, in bed

There’s no getting around this one. Most of us need a laptop for college, and almost all of us bring that handy device to bed because cable is expensive and sometimes our bed is the only place we have privacy from obnoxious roommates. Getting into bed with Netflix is always a good time and more often than not the hours just seem to fly by. Netflix never leaves a person unsatisfied and it can feel nearly impossible to tear away from its warm glow to close our eyes.

4. It knows exactly what you like and never forgets the things that matter

It takes a special kind of relationship to know exactly what someone is craving or how to make them feel better and Netflix hits this right out of the park. Its recommendations are always on point; it always lets you know what’s popular and keeps you up to date on things you’ve been waiting for. Heck, Netflix even remembers exactly what episode of Friends you were watching and which minute you passed out at. Tell me that’s not a special bond. Just try. You can’t.

5. You’ve had plenty of dates together

If you’re still clinging to some imaginary notion that you’re not in a relationship with Netflix, prepare to admit defeat. You’ve gone on dates together. Lots and lots of dates. You’ve come home, you’ve changed into ‘something a little comfier’, you’ve dimmed the lights to set the mood and you’ve even cooked food for the two of you. Heck, sometimes when it’s a special occasion you even order takeout or delivery for your night together. Lastly, in a truly chivalrous act, you always pay the bill for the both of you. Whether it’s buying the food or Netflix’s monthly necessities, you never let Netflix pay for anything. Doesn’t that sound like dating?

Remember, there’s no shame in dating Netflix. There are about 93 million other people who are probably just as devoted as you are. I’m only here to make you realize that you can change your Facebook relationship status from ‘single’ to ‘it’s complicated’.

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