CREDIT: SOLISIMAGES / THINKSTOCK
Ordering pizza is an often-underestimated battle of light and darkness, a crucial escapade through the valley evil that leads to the land of cheese and dipping sauce.

As another semester comes to a close, minds begin to drift to post-exam keggers, shindigs, hoo-has and celebrations of all sorts. It has become rather difficult to focus on things like your big statistics assignment when the mind is busy putting together an LCBO shopping list.

No matter how busy we get thinking of new cocktails or inventing yet another excuse for a last extension on those final projects, I ask everyone to take a moment and think about a very serious issue spreading across our beloved city.

I generally try to keep a happy disposition when writing these articles, but alas I can no longer maintain my cheery temperament. I ask everyone to put down their books, wine glasses and/or steins to reflect soberly on this pressing topic. There’s no easy way to put this so I’ll just come right out and say it.

I’m here to talk to you about pizza etiquette.

Don’t laugh and turn the page dear reader, for this often overlooked ritual of college interaction can be the difference between success and failure. Whether you are ordering the pizza or partaking in the breaking of breadsticks and the sharing of the eight sacred slices, there are delicate matters that must be contemplated.

If the vital task of acquiring party rations has befallen you, be sure to inquire about people’s dietary restrictions. If you’re on a quest calling for three or more pizzas, chances are that one or more of your followers have a significant aversion to meat. Be sure to order one vegetarian (or at least one cheese-only) pizza during your expedition. This will ease the tensions and nerves of any vegetarians lurking throughout your party.

If you worry about offending any gluten- free (G.F.) comrades, push away your doubts immediately because they will notify you long before food has been ordered. If you know someone for more than 15 minutes without hearing mention of their G.F. diet then chances are that they’re not allergic to gluten. This particular diet is a status symbol in today’s world and I think everyone would be lying if they said their G.F. friends weren’t incredibly vocal about it.

On the other side of the fence, if you and your comrades lay in wait of the elusive pizza there are certain precautions you must take to traverse the pizza’s arrival unscathed.

First off, be aware of how many slices your fellow partiers are taking. Be sure to match the common haul or risk being seen as a selfish and gluttonous ne’er-do-well. No one wants to see you leave the table with an entire box of pizza. You will be exiled and most likely wake up with R-rated sharpie artwork adorning the majority of your face.

Secondly, if you’re not a vegetarian then avoid that cheese pizza like the plague. Have a hankering for cheese? Then peel off your damned pepperoni. These poor vegetarians don’t deserve to be stolen from simply for abhorring your murderous slices of pizza. You and your carnivorous clan have five pizzas between the seven of you, while these humble pacifists have not two pizzas to share amongst the three of them.

Last of all, eat that doughy crust before returning to the hunting grounds for fresh slices. There are starving kids in the party next door and you’re here discarding perfectly good dough?

In the timeless words of the almighty Mushu, “Dishonour! Dishonour on your whole family… Dishonour on you! Dishonour on your cow...” Simply put, if you can’t finish that crust then you can’t have any more of the good stuff.

Well young Padawan, I’d say you’re almost ready to go into the world of reckless drinking and responsible pizza consumption; but there is one last rule. This is perhaps the most grievous and sacred law of pizza. If you graduate Fanshawe with just one single scrap of knowledge, let it be this.

Thou shalt not order pineapple pizza.

If you think you have friends now, you won’t after suggesting this blasphemous abomination. Your friends will disown you, your grades will slump, your program co-ordinator will revoke his letter of recommendation and worst of all; a self-respecting pizza chef will have to defile his kitchen while preparing this atrocity. If the nightmares of your friends aren’t enough to deter you, then just think of the lifelong damage you will do to an innocent cook’s psyche. You’re not just hurting yourself; you’re hurting your family and everyone who’s ever known you. When you order pineapple pizza somewhere out there in the world a sloth falls out of a tree and dies. Do you want that kind of blood on your hands? No? Then do the right thing and keep your guilty pleasure a secret. It’s for your own good.

Go now, in peace and in pizza, spreading the good word of the crust. From its warm pizza box to your welcoming home, through the grace of its cheesy bread, receive the word of the slice into your greasy hands and take with you its tasty glory.

Through thick and thin crust, its cheesestuffed, ranch adorned, sriracha speckled goodness will be there to console you and forever burn the tongues of the impatient. Go now and bask in its awesome might.
Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.