White Christmas

Written by Irving Berlin and made famous by Bing Crosby, White Christmas is a nostalgic ballad about the days when Canada was still cold enough for snow. The singer dreams of days before fires swept the west and the swirling warm waters around your ankles were replaced with puffy white flakes. Now we dream of the days when we could still ask if someone wants to build a snowman without being entirely ironic.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Are you slightly different in some way? Maybe a large nose or a penchant for wearing latex bodysuits? Well, you better hope that difference in some way benefits a celebrity, or else you'll never have any friends. That's the message of this catchy song, anyway, where Rudolph's slight physical difference leaves him sad and without games to play until Santa finds a way to put him to work.

Do You Hear What I Hear

Ignoring the fact that the song was originally a desperate plea for peace during the Cold War, there's also an issue with which king was informed of Jesus being born. If this song was about letting King Herod know, then that little lamb may be responsible for the deaths of every child under two years old in Bethlehem and the surrounding area. As a meteor soars through the sky, a king plots his revenge against the child who will rule over him, and then promptly dies once his terrible vengeance is wrought.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

A sweet ode to the one day when everyone can be together, this is a song that reminds us that everyone will move away or lose touch or die. Fate is cruel and monstrous, tearing us apart no matter how hard we try to keep together. So take the one last day of seeing the people you love, because who knows if they'll be there by your side tomorrow. That star on your tree may be the last bright and shining thing in your life.

Frosty the Snowman

While being a psychotic lawbreaker who snubs the police and leads children into danger, Frosty is also a constant reminder of our own mortality. He looks at death with his steely coal-eyed gaze as the rotting fruit that is his nose slowly turns him into a blackened stench-fuelled monstrosity. The song ends with him threatening to haunt the children who loved him, ominously stating that he will be back again someday. One can only assume he means in their nightmares, as the trauma of their experience with this monster has surely scarred them for life.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

There are two interpretations to this song, and neither is cheerful. The first thought is that the Santa Claus in the lyrics is actually the child's father dressed up in order to act out some perverted sexual fantasy. If this is the case, they could at least have done it on a night when a child is less likely to creep down the stairs in anticipation of presents — or gone to the privacy of their own locked bedroom. The other option is that the mother actually did bring home a random stranger and the poor child caught mom in an adulterous act while dad slept upstairs.

Santa Baby

Hurry down that chimney, Santa! Your mistress has kidnapped the missus and is holding her hostage for a random assortment of items; including a yacht and a light blue '54 convertible. While sleeping with Harley Quinn wasn't the smartest thing Santa has ever done, this song is threatening enough to even make the Joker nervous. What will happen if Santa doesn't hurry, or misses something on this ridiculous list? We may never know the fate of Mrs. Claus, as the song ends before Santa can arrive and save the day.

Let it Snow!

The weather is frightful, and since I've brought you to this deserted ski lodge and set off an avalanche, you've no place you could possibly go. I've turned the lights down and made some popcorn, so clearly this isn't at all ominous, but instead is a romantic evening. What did you say your name was again? It doesn't really matter. The fire is dying, but no matter how many times you say goodbye I will still hold you tight. Until you love me.

Winter Wonderland

A tale of a deteriorating mental state, this is a song of fully-grown adults jointly hallucinating while wandering around outside in the cold. Beginning with hearing bells that aren't there before going into imagining a talking snowman who is some sort of strange clown pastor, the couple plots starting fires before frolicking further in the countryside. When they run and let others destroy their friend, their lack of emotion at the event is unsettling. As their insanity deepens, they ignore the frostbite slowly destroying their noses and other extremities. Instead, they sing and skip through the snow, continuing their hallucinations happily.

I'll Be Home for Christmas

The singer of this song makes a series of promises he has no intention of keeping. He says we can plan on him coming, that we should have a tree and presents ready for his imminent arrival. The harsh reality is that he won't show. He never intended on actually coming home for Christmas. He went for that pack of cigarettes years ago and is never coming back. You can wait for hours, patiently, as the tears roll down your cheeks, but the truth is he's never coming. Not for Christmas. Not for anything.