A dumpster full of worn out mattresses behind Fanshawe's Falcon House residence raised a number of serious questions. Who, what and why were they being thrown out after only four years of use?

The Distorter hired a forensics lab to help uncover some of the truths and what was found was startling.


“We went in with our special lights and our findings were positively revealing,” said scientist Stan Rose of Forensics R Us. “Those mattresses were covered top to bottom in seminal and vaginal fluid. We independently tested a dozen mattresses and found that there were multiple donors of all kinds of fluids on each of those mattresses. I think those mattresses were just worn out and down.”

Jerry Madstash, who lived in residence last year, said “it was the best year of my life. I can't tell you how much fun I had. We rocked that place. Giver.”

Madstash's DNA was linked to eight of the mattresses tested.

“We partied all the time. It was what we did,” said Madstash. “Nothing like hot sticky sex on Friday night

Continued on A5

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Prouldy distorting the truth since 2005