CREDIT: WIKIPEDIA
According to Cosmo magazine, this sexy, sexy image of a glazed donut should perk up our male readers.

Cosmo is like the Holy Bible for some women. It has all the commandments and rules to live by for its readers to follow devotedly. Cosmo is the guide for what's new in fashion, make-up, hair and fitness, but the real reason women buy it is the same reason men watch porn: sex moves. Readers buy this magazine because they think this $5 thing on the grocery store shelf will help them uncover the ancient secret tips and tricks on how to become a sexual goddess.

Most of the tips featured in the magazine are user-submitted, which means any old bum from Timbuktu can submit the craziest thing they can think of as a joke, and someone will take it seriously and actually try it on their poor, unsuspecting partner. I think Cosmo should have a screening process in which users submitting tips must include a video of them doing the act to legitimize it.

God bless these tortured souls who had to go through these “sexy” tips. You are the true heroes in this country.

Cosmo Tip #1
Take his shaft between your open palms and tap it back and forth, almost like you're volleying a tennis ball. The quick movements are a fun way to wake up his nerves.
No, no it's not. You're not going to wake up his nerves as much as you will be getting on his nerves. No man will appreciate you playing with his junk like you're kneading pizza dough. The first clue this is a bad sex tip was it referenced arousing him like volleying a tennis ball. Anytime someone compares a sex move to a racquet sport, just steer clear.

Cosmo Tip #2
Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum.
Ladies, if you're looking for a quick kick to the head, then by all means, bite away. Nothing will jolt and simultaneously turn a man off more than gnawing on his balls like a beaver with rabies. He's sure to jump up and flail excitedly, which will give you an oh-so-sexy black eye.

Cosmo Tip #3
Gently stick his penis through the hole of a glazed donut. Gently nibble around the donut, stopping to suck him once in a while. The sugary texture of your tongue will add an interesting new dimension.
Yes, take a minute to laugh, and then think about that seriously. I know people's sex lives might get a little boring after a while, but heading to the bakery is probably not going to be the magic fix you're looking for. Since pioneer George Costanza tried to mix food and sex, many copycats tried to emulate him and all have failed. I think if you can stay hard while having a glazed donut on your dong, you deserve to try this out.

Cosmo Tip #4
Press a fork (firmly, but don't break skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs — to give him the perfect mix of pain and pleasure.
If you ever find yourself bringing silverware into the bedroom, stop and reevaluate your life. This one must be a joke entry or there was some poor man who recently had a fork jabbed into his ass. You would either have to be very kinky or a cannibal to try this relationship- ending sex tip. Just try to think how this scenario would play out in real life:

Woman: “Hey, baby, I want to try something crazy tonight.”

Man: “Ohh yeah, I'm down for anything. What were you thinking?”

Woman: “Well it maybe a little naughty but... will you let me stab you repeatedly with this fork? It'll be super sexy.”

Man: “Yeah... just give me a second here, I gotta go to the bathroom.” *Jumps out window into the night, never to be seen again*

Cosmo tip #5
Feed each other ice cream in the dark. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.
THIS IS HOW YOU GET ANTS! What is with people trying to mix desserts and sex? Can't one be enough? Getting jabbed in the eye with a spoonful of ice cream in the dark sounds like hell enough, but having sticky ice cream all over your nice clean sheets would make me instantly regret this. And licking up the mess? I would pay to see a person's face after they lick some Rocky Road out of some dude's hairy buttcrack. If you do decide to try this, I suggest laying down some sort of disposable tarp so your bedroom doesn't look like a scene from CSI after your experiment.

Cosmo Tip #6
Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feelgood effects.
Hey, do you like all that feeling of releasing an orgasm without that same old predictable notion of it coming from the penis? Well, sneezing just might be for you! Actually, building your man up to climax and grabbing the pepper in time to throw it under his nose seems like something you need to be Jason Bourne to pull off. I can't think of anything unsexier than getting a faceful of snot and proceeding to share a box of tissues with your man. It would be like an R-rated Nyquil commercial. In short, stay away from the pepper, no matter how badly you want to spice up your relationship.

Cosmo Tip #7
Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body).
Don't imagine, for the love of god, don't even think about it imagining. A man's penis isn't the popper dice from the board game Trouble, you have to treat it gently. If you really want to see a man's junk retreat back into his body, push him into a cold lake or dress up like his mother. That'll do the trick.

Cosmo Tip #8
Make two fists around his shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is called a Rugburn. I got many of these from my older brother and schoolyard bullies, and I can tell you, at no point did I wonder if this would feel good on my junk. Do this if you're angry at your man, if he doesn't wash the dishes, if he leaves his dirty socks everywhere, sure; but don't do this thinking it will bring any pleasure to him whatsoever.