Famous musicians haunting network television studios

Many of modern history's most revered musicians and performers have risen from their graves in an attempt to pressure major networks such as FOX and CBC from creating reality shows based on their bands, the American Press has reported.

Numerous witnesses have come forward claiming they've seen the ghost of legendary rock musicians Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison, as well as Shannon Hoon, lead singer of the cult favourite Blind Melon.

Network insiders have reported seeing strange apparitions in the studios at night, and have been receiving threatening emails and phone calls. They began around the time that Rockstar: INXS creator Bill O'Brian signed a deal to produce a new reality show based on finding a replacement singer for the Doors. The show was scheduled to begin auditions in May, and was slated to air on NBC in the fall lineup.

“We were all set to go, and had the tour dates booked and everything, searching for the next Jim Morrison,” said James Kellar, a bookings assistant with the NBC show, tentatively titled The Lizard King. “But a few days ago, O'Brian got this strange email, and that's when the accidents started.”

The accidents Kellar referred to include a lighting mishap, which seriously injured a stagehand, three instances of food poisoning that kept nearly 500 wannabes from auditioning, and a minor car accident involving O'Brian and his co-producer, Callie Jones. Neither was injured.

But the most unsettling occurrence took place in a Baltimore, MD hotel room, where Jones claims she saw the ghost of Morrison in a fogged-up bathroom mirror, standing with a naked Indian and telling her to cancel production on the series.

“He said that no one could replace him, and that anyone who tried would suffer,” Jones told the AP. “After that, he took a swill from a half-emptied bottle of Jack Daniels and faded away.”

Similar experiences have been reported on the set of the Pearl, which is the televised search for the next Janis Joplin. In addition to ghostly appearances and nuisances, staff have been finding scores of white rabbits tucked away in desk drawers, limousine trunks and dressing rooms.

But despite the scares, producers are still planning to go ahead with the series of reality TV musician searches, piggybacking on the success of pervious hits suck as the wildly popular American Idol and the new hit Rockstar: INXS, which landed a Canadian in the spotlight for the Australian-based band, replacing Michael Hutchence, who committed suicide nearly a decade ago.

Four new shows are currently in the make, including a search for the next notorious B.I.G. the next Janis Joplin, a singer for Blind Melon, and the return of Rockstar, this time scouting for a new group of Beatles.

The shows will air a few episodes each throughout March, during Sweeps Week. If they are a success, they will be brought into regular rotation. But if the messages from beyond the grave are true, none of the shows will make it to post-production.

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.