Finding help for people in abusive relationships

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Everyone has heard the same advice about "love:" if you're with someone who doesn't treat you well, they don't deserve you and you shouldn't be with them. Sometimes the simplest advice is easier said than done, though, especially for those who find themselves in abusive relationships.

Jane Lo (name changed to ensure privacy) was in a similar position and didn't know where to turn for help. "I was in a relationship with this guy, we were living together, and he became abusive," she explained. The relationship hadn't started badly, though, according to Lo. "It seemed to happen almost overnight. He just started treating me badly all of a sudden, but I was too involved in his life — and he in mine — to walk away easily."

Often victims of abuse, particularly women, find many obstacles in the way of trying to escape the situation. According to Lo, "I knew that I shouldn't have continued to stay with him, but it was scary trying to get away. Physically he was a lot bigger than I was." Feeling intimidated in terms of physical size is not the only challenge victims face. Abusers often try to make their victims feel isolated from their friends and families, and make the victim feel completely dependent on him or her. Lo experienced these feelings firsthand, she said. "I felt like my family wouldn't believe me or help me, and I felt like I depended on him too much to function without him. That was how he made me feel."

The London Abused Women's Centre, located at 217 York St., offers help for female abuse victims. Megan Walker, who works for the LAWC, explained what the centre is all about: "The Centre provides advocacy, counseling and support to women over the age of 16 who have been abused by their intimate partners and are living or working in London and Middlesex county."

After completing a "needs assessment for girls between the ages of 12 and 15, we found that they were also at high risk for abuse in dating, hooking up and other types of relationships with intimate partners," explained Walker. Because of that assessment, the Centre now also offers services to that age group as well.

The main services offered by the LAWC are community education about abuse, one-on-one counseling and community outreach. "If women are finding they don't feel safe coming to us, we'll go to them in a location that's safe for us to do so," Walker explained. The Centre has outreach locations across the city, including one on Fanshawe's campus.

Part of what makes the LAWC able to help women in so many different situations is the ability to adapt and offer the best kind of help for each individual. According to Walker, "We help women make choices that are safe for them; we draw from the woman's own experiences. We never say to a woman that she should stay or leave. What we do is provide the woman with all the choices she has and whichever choice she makes, based on what is best for her, we will support her." What this means is that if a woman chooses to stay with the abusive partner, the LAWC will help her stay safe within the relationship. If the victim chooses to leave the relationship, the LAWC provides housing, lawyers, legal aid and access to the Ontario Works program. "We become advocates for them through various systems," said Walker.

Though Jane Lo never used the services provided by the LAWC, she did find a way out of her situation. "It was tough and very emotional, but I'm in a much better place now. I'm happy, I have my family and friends to help me, and I'm no longer being abused," she said. Though it can seem tough to ask for help, like it was for Lo, Walker emphasized that the LAWC "doesn't pass judgment on anyone."

Perhaps one of the biggest misconceptions about victims of abusive relationships is that they are always women, however this is far from true. According to a study published by Statistics Canada in 2009, the percentage of male victims of relationship abuse is 7 per cent of the total surveyed, while the percentage of female victims was 8 per cent of the total surveyed.

It can be more difficult for males to seek help than females due in large part to cultural expectations in addition to the lack of male-centric resources. This was the case for Steve McCann (name changed to protect privacy), who suffered emotional abuse at the hands of his one-time girlfriend.

"My girlfriend was pretty abusive towards me. She would say things to me, to put me down and feel bad about myself all the time," McCann explained. She would say things like, "You're stupid and worthless," he said. She also controlled the couple's finances and social life. "I wasn't allowed to see my friends unless she wanted to. She would say things like, 'If you love me, you'll spend time with just me.' I felt very isolated from everyone but her."

McCann found it difficult to find help due to the cultural views of men. "When I told one of my friends that my girlfriend was being abusive he thought it was a joke. No one I told would take me seriously because, well, I'm the man. Men don't get abused. That's what people think, at least." McCann was able to leave the relationship, but said that people still don't really believe he was ever the victim of abuse.

Another problem that male victims of abuse face is the lack of male-centric resources. In the London area there are no organizations that deal specifically with helping male victims. There are agencies that offer help to men among the other services they offer, such as the Daya Counseling Centre, located at 141 Dundas St. and Family Services of Thames Valley, located at 125 Woodward Ave.

Bonnie Williams, the Executive Director of the Daya Counseling Centre, explained where male victims can go to seek help. "For men who are victims of abuse by an intimate partner, they can come to us for counseling," said Williams adding, "Daya offers independent, individual counseling." The Daya Centre offers counseling services on a sliding fee scale, meaning that people who use their services are charged fees that are within their means. "If money is an issue, they can definitely come to us," said Williams.

Jonathan Schmidt, Co-Facilitator of a support group for male victims of sexual abuse at Family Services of Thames Valley, explained what types of help and support his group offers. "The group is a 'process group,' not a 'teaching group,' so there's lots of discussion between the men and we're not talking at them. Topics that typically get covered include coping strategies, feelings (such as guilt, shame, anger), relationships, masculinity and sexuality." Additionally, Schmidt said, "Men are also able to choose individual counseling if they do not (yet) feel comfortable to participate in the group." According to Schmidt, "The cost of both group and individual treatment are covered to make treatment accessible to all seeking it."

There are also legal services available in London that deal largely with men's custody rights of their children including Fathers Helping Fathers, located at 75 Fiddlers Green Rd., Suite 811 (fhfsupport@home.com)

Many victims of abuse may feel embarrassed about asking for help, or may not know where to go to find the help they need, but resources do exist to help. The first step can often be the most difficult and most intimidating, however there is a support system in place to provide both men and women whatever kind of help they need to find freedom from abusive relationships.

For more information, or help with an abusive relationship, visit lawc.on.ca.