Surviving the mall during holiday season

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I hate the mall at the best of times, and I hate it even more during the Christmas shopping season. But like most people I can't avoid forever going to one, two or three malls to part with my hard-earned cash. In that vein here are some tips and strategies to help you fight through the chaos that's going to unfold in the next month.

Be prepared
Before going to the mall make sure you've eaten and drink at least a couple of glasses of water. This way you can avoid going to the mall food court for overpriced drinks when you become dehydrated and eating stomach-curdling crappy food. That should save you an extra hour.

If you like it, buy it.
I've never understood the phenomena of putting it on hold and then visiting every other similar store to see if you can find something better, or slightly cheaper. If it looks good on you and the price is right, why put it on hold? Buy the damn thing, you can always return it if something else comes up.

Have a purpose
Nothing is more frustrating than walking aimlessly through the mall like a zombie with no direction. It takes me about half-an-hour after entering a mall to become useless and comatose much to the chagrin of my wife. I don't want to be there, I'm missing a football game (Saturdays and Sundays in December), watching two kids who are fighting and don't want to be there and I'm still an unpaid luggage rack.

Know what you want, know where to get it and go. And if you happen to come across a sign that says sale, don't stop, you don't really need it if it wasn't on your list. Plus the sales are better at the end of January when stores are trying to get rid of their stock for their new spring arrivals.

One of the things I absolutely despise about the mall at this time of year is all the people that have come out from under their rocks and manhole covers who haven't had human contact since the last Christmas shopping season. The general rudeness of people fighting to get ahead of you in line, the lack of manners -"hey, excuse me" and "thank you" work just fine - and people on their cellphones mindlessly chatting and wasting your time by taking up valuable aisle space are all frustrating. And when I'm standing in the checkout line, pushing up against me won't make the line move any faster, so stand back.

Finally, to survive the mall you must escape the cesspool of infections and viruses that the mall is with out becoming ill yourself. When you're in the mall keep your gloves on, that way your hands do not come into contact with anything, and only remove them if absolutely necessary. If you don't have gloves bury your hands in your pockets and don't remove until necessary. Don't shake hands or hug anybody either. Do you know who the hell they've been touching or kissing before you? Carry hand sanitizer and don't rub your eyes or itch your nose, areas viruses and infection can enter the body easily. And if you want to make it to Christmas healthy, avoid the biggest cesspool of infection in the mall, the food court.

Of course you could survive the mall by avoiding it all together and heading down to the Richmond Row area. You can find some great deals, interesting shops and unique gifts if you're into the sort of thing.
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