Love Lola: Bi's and boyfriends
Dear Lola,
I have a boyfriend and we just moved in together and signed a one-year lease. Recently he has been mistreating me; ordering me around, and all out treating me like crap. Even his mother and brother have noticed and have told me to leave him because I deserve better. There are rare occasions when he is sweet and I remember why I love him and chose to live with him. The worst part is that my best friend now hates him for how he treats me. I have a new guy friend who is a total sweetheart. He offers to do so much for me and treats me like I actually have feelings. He knows I have a boyfriend, but he also knows I'm not happy. He keeps encouraging me to leave and even offered to let me move in with him and live there for free. Bonus: my best friend loves the way he treats me too!
Lola, should I stick it out until my lease runs out or should I end things and move in with the new dream guy who begs me to be his “princess?”
Moving Target
Dear Target,
Oh kitten, I just want to scoop you up and take you far, far away from your inconsiderate boyfriend. No one deserves to feel that unappreciated by some loser who can't even get his own mother to defend him!
It's so sad to hear that things have gone south so quickly. A lot of preparation and planning goes into making a big move; I'm sure you were expecting your love nest to provide you with a tad more love. It's comforting to hear that your roommate is still sweet on “rare occasions” but you can't hold your breathe until the next random time he decides to pay attention to you, now can you?
Ordering you around? Treating you like crap? It makes me wonder how you two crazy kids wound up co-habiting to begin with. Let me guess; he used to be different? It was never this bad before? Perhaps you weren't getting a true picture of his behaviour and idiosyncrasies when you weren't sharing a bathroom and a kitchen 24/7. Couples are known to show some pretty unexpected sides when they start living together. Suddenly they're like two wild, caged animals stuck in the same tiny apartment; climbing the walls and struggling for survival. It's possible that this new demanding meathead side of your boyfriend has always been there just below the surface, but he was able to keep his secret alter-ego well hidden when he only saw you on the weekends.
I have to agree with Mama Bear and Brother Bear; you have to get out of this situation. The stress alone has to be interfering with your schoolwork and it sounds like it's taking its toll on your friends as well. Friends and family are crucial supports when life takes a nosedive, so let's not burn any bridges or push away the people who actually care about you just to hold onto a guy that you already know isn't worth your time.
You need to sit down with your boyfriend (bring a friend if you need support) and tell him you're not happy with how he treats you and you've decided that you want to leave. You are in a legally binding agreement with the rental lease, but your safety and happiness needs to be the top priority here. Give him time to process the news and let him decide what he wants to do next. Maybe he could move out and you could get a roommate? Maybe you could leave and he could sublet? Bottom line; you signed up to live with this schmuck and you have to be a grown-up when working this out. Backing out of the lease, leaving without proper notice or failing to pay your portion of the rent are all legitimate reasons to have your landlord haul your little butt to court and force you to pay up. Let this be a lesson to all the girls out there who think that choosing to shack up with your new boyfriend is just a frivolous, romantic, spontaneous decision. This is not like accidently falling into a drunken threesome; you can't wiggle your way out of a lease.
As far as this other guy goes; I think you need to politely thank him for the offer and then firmly decline. Have you learned nothing from your current clusterfuck? DO NOT LIVE WITH THIS GUY. Six months from now you'll be writing back with the same problem and I won't be so nice about it.
Good Luck.
Dear Lola,
I really want to say what's inside me; I am a guy and I love girls. I love breasts and I love checking out women, but I also like men. I didn't realize it until recently when I saw a naked man and could not stop looking at his body. Since then I've started looking at them all the time. I haven't had sex with a man yet, but I have had a few encounters where I have ‘touched' a man. I do not want to call myself gay since I would still prefer to have a girl, but I know that I am more than a little curious about men as well. I am even considering having sex with a couple. Basically, I'm afraid of how I am feeling and thinking right now. I am not ashamed to be gay, I just don't think that I am.
Definition Deficit
Dear Definition,
First of all, please give yourself a gentle pat on the back (or bottom) for writing this letter. Even as an anonymous inquiry, just typing the words must have made this complex curiosity seem that much more real.
Please don't take offence to this, but I have to say I found your question to be rather sexy! So many people just gravitate without hesitation to the opposite sex, partner up and they're done. You're sexual experiences are just beginning, you're at the tip of a very hot iceberg and it's pretty enviable.
Not being a gay man myself, it's hard for me to tell you how or when you are supposed to feel certain about your sexual orientation. Sexual preference isn't always a black and white choice; there is always room for some gray (or blue or red or pink) in the spectrum between gay and straight? Who is to say when your “orientation” is supposed to commence? Some people insist that your sexual preference is created in utero; giving you about as much control over your inclination as your eye colour! Other people swear that your penchant for a specific gender develops much as your hormones do; during puberty when your juices start flowing and you begin to discover images and thoughts that excite you and within time you discover which way your compass points.
Either way, you're still in a very delicate and delightful stage of self-discovery; not quite left and not quite right. I applaud you for daring to explore both sides before making a serious choice or a serious mistake. It's better to investigate your yearnings now, as a single college guy, than to drop this bomb on a wife and kids during a midlife crisis in 20 years.
And who knows, maybe there is no perfect answer; maybe you're just someone who is able to see the beauty and brilliance in both men and woman, someone who can both rise to the occasion and submit himself to chance.
My primary concern is really just for your safety. Not that dating in the gay or bi-curious community is any more dangerous than the heterosexual population, but you need to ensure you are protecting yourself and others. Of course, I am partially referring to practicing safe sex, but I'm also talking about the emotional side of this delicate dance. Protect your heart and the hearts of others as you begin to experiment with this deeply personal and important part of your life. Just keep in mind; while you might still be deciding who or what you are, you are going to meet people who already know. Be honest and clear with your intentions and some lucky guy should be more than willing to help you explore.
Good luck!
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
I have a boyfriend and we just moved in together and signed a one-year lease. Recently he has been mistreating me; ordering me around, and all out treating me like crap. Even his mother and brother have noticed and have told me to leave him because I deserve better. There are rare occasions when he is sweet and I remember why I love him and chose to live with him. The worst part is that my best friend now hates him for how he treats me. I have a new guy friend who is a total sweetheart. He offers to do so much for me and treats me like I actually have feelings. He knows I have a boyfriend, but he also knows I'm not happy. He keeps encouraging me to leave and even offered to let me move in with him and live there for free. Bonus: my best friend loves the way he treats me too!
Lola, should I stick it out until my lease runs out or should I end things and move in with the new dream guy who begs me to be his “princess?”
Moving Target
Dear Target,
Oh kitten, I just want to scoop you up and take you far, far away from your inconsiderate boyfriend. No one deserves to feel that unappreciated by some loser who can't even get his own mother to defend him!
It's so sad to hear that things have gone south so quickly. A lot of preparation and planning goes into making a big move; I'm sure you were expecting your love nest to provide you with a tad more love. It's comforting to hear that your roommate is still sweet on “rare occasions” but you can't hold your breathe until the next random time he decides to pay attention to you, now can you?
Ordering you around? Treating you like crap? It makes me wonder how you two crazy kids wound up co-habiting to begin with. Let me guess; he used to be different? It was never this bad before? Perhaps you weren't getting a true picture of his behaviour and idiosyncrasies when you weren't sharing a bathroom and a kitchen 24/7. Couples are known to show some pretty unexpected sides when they start living together. Suddenly they're like two wild, caged animals stuck in the same tiny apartment; climbing the walls and struggling for survival. It's possible that this new demanding meathead side of your boyfriend has always been there just below the surface, but he was able to keep his secret alter-ego well hidden when he only saw you on the weekends.
I have to agree with Mama Bear and Brother Bear; you have to get out of this situation. The stress alone has to be interfering with your schoolwork and it sounds like it's taking its toll on your friends as well. Friends and family are crucial supports when life takes a nosedive, so let's not burn any bridges or push away the people who actually care about you just to hold onto a guy that you already know isn't worth your time.
You need to sit down with your boyfriend (bring a friend if you need support) and tell him you're not happy with how he treats you and you've decided that you want to leave. You are in a legally binding agreement with the rental lease, but your safety and happiness needs to be the top priority here. Give him time to process the news and let him decide what he wants to do next. Maybe he could move out and you could get a roommate? Maybe you could leave and he could sublet? Bottom line; you signed up to live with this schmuck and you have to be a grown-up when working this out. Backing out of the lease, leaving without proper notice or failing to pay your portion of the rent are all legitimate reasons to have your landlord haul your little butt to court and force you to pay up. Let this be a lesson to all the girls out there who think that choosing to shack up with your new boyfriend is just a frivolous, romantic, spontaneous decision. This is not like accidently falling into a drunken threesome; you can't wiggle your way out of a lease.
As far as this other guy goes; I think you need to politely thank him for the offer and then firmly decline. Have you learned nothing from your current clusterfuck? DO NOT LIVE WITH THIS GUY. Six months from now you'll be writing back with the same problem and I won't be so nice about it.
Good Luck.
Dear Lola,
I really want to say what's inside me; I am a guy and I love girls. I love breasts and I love checking out women, but I also like men. I didn't realize it until recently when I saw a naked man and could not stop looking at his body. Since then I've started looking at them all the time. I haven't had sex with a man yet, but I have had a few encounters where I have ‘touched' a man. I do not want to call myself gay since I would still prefer to have a girl, but I know that I am more than a little curious about men as well. I am even considering having sex with a couple. Basically, I'm afraid of how I am feeling and thinking right now. I am not ashamed to be gay, I just don't think that I am.
Definition Deficit
Dear Definition,
First of all, please give yourself a gentle pat on the back (or bottom) for writing this letter. Even as an anonymous inquiry, just typing the words must have made this complex curiosity seem that much more real.
Please don't take offence to this, but I have to say I found your question to be rather sexy! So many people just gravitate without hesitation to the opposite sex, partner up and they're done. You're sexual experiences are just beginning, you're at the tip of a very hot iceberg and it's pretty enviable.
Not being a gay man myself, it's hard for me to tell you how or when you are supposed to feel certain about your sexual orientation. Sexual preference isn't always a black and white choice; there is always room for some gray (or blue or red or pink) in the spectrum between gay and straight? Who is to say when your “orientation” is supposed to commence? Some people insist that your sexual preference is created in utero; giving you about as much control over your inclination as your eye colour! Other people swear that your penchant for a specific gender develops much as your hormones do; during puberty when your juices start flowing and you begin to discover images and thoughts that excite you and within time you discover which way your compass points.
Either way, you're still in a very delicate and delightful stage of self-discovery; not quite left and not quite right. I applaud you for daring to explore both sides before making a serious choice or a serious mistake. It's better to investigate your yearnings now, as a single college guy, than to drop this bomb on a wife and kids during a midlife crisis in 20 years.
And who knows, maybe there is no perfect answer; maybe you're just someone who is able to see the beauty and brilliance in both men and woman, someone who can both rise to the occasion and submit himself to chance.
My primary concern is really just for your safety. Not that dating in the gay or bi-curious community is any more dangerous than the heterosexual population, but you need to ensure you are protecting yourself and others. Of course, I am partially referring to practicing safe sex, but I'm also talking about the emotional side of this delicate dance. Protect your heart and the hearts of others as you begin to experiment with this deeply personal and important part of your life. Just keep in mind; while you might still be deciding who or what you are, you are going to meet people who already know. Be honest and clear with your intentions and some lucky guy should be more than willing to help you explore.
Good luck!
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
