Cinema Connoisseur: Hulkster continues to flex acting muscles

A career retrospective on the man, the mustache and the legend that is Hulk Hogan

Let's face it, the world is falling apart. The economy is sinking at such a quick rate that The Great Depression will soon look only mildly sad. It's gotten so bad that the students on Fleming have resorted to returning beer bottles to get their 10 cents back rather than hurling them at law enforcement officers.

Fear not however. The markets will soon rise, and without the help of a $700 billion bailout from Washington. One event has time and time again stimulated the economy. I am of course referring to the release of a Hulk Hogan movie.

That's right, Hulk Hogan is set to co-star with Mixed Martial Arts star and former homeless man Kimbo Slice in “Kung Fu U”, a 3-D film in which the two teach self defense to a group of nerds at a boarding school. Titanic barely held onto its status of the all-time box office champ after the release of The Dark Knight. After Kung Fu U hits the big screen, that record is sure to fall.

In honour of this impending historical achievement, I have decided to focus this week's column on the acting career of Hulk Hogan. I've been writing this column for three years now, and sometimes it seems like every second movie I review stars the Hulkster. I've almost written enough about Hulk's cinematic exploits to publish a book on the subject. In fact if Hulk happens to be reading this, give me a call and maybe we can hammer out a book deal. My number is in the phone book. I assume like most wealthy people you have a collection of current phone books for every city in North America.

Hulk first hit the big screen in 1982 as “Thunderlips” in the classic Rocky 3. The film made him an instant celebrity, but due to contractual obligations to defend his WWF Heavyweight Championship against worthy contenders, we would have to wait nearly seven years for his next film No Holds Barred. The film, in which he portrays a popular wrestling star, would show that Hogan possessed some serious acting chops.

Hulk would return to the silver screen in 1991 as Shep Ramsey, a space alien who crashes to Earth in the unforgettable Suburban Commando. The film, widely considered to be his crowning achievement, is a wonderful combination of Star Wars, Blade Runner, and the episode of “The Cosby Show” where Theo gets his sister Denise to make him a shirt, and one sleeve is way shorter than the other one.

Numerous hits followed over the years, like 1993's Mr. Nanny, which saw Hulk play a former wrestler who is hired to be a babysitter/bodyguard for two over privileged children. Ever want to see Hulk in a pink tutu? Of course you have. This is the film for you.

Then there was 1996's Santa With Muscles, which saw Hulk as an evil millionaire who suffers from amnesia, which causes him to believe he is Santa Claus! How appropriate that a man whose entire career has been a gift to film lovers across the globe would be portraying Jolly Old Saint Nicholas. The film has become traditional holiday viewing, quickly replacing It's a Wonderful Life as everyone's favourite yuletide offering.

Times have been tough for the Hulkster as of late. His son went to jail for reckless driving causing permanent paralysis of his best friend. His daughter seems to be following the same path as Britney Spears — except without all of the album sales. On top of all that, his wife of 24 years has filed for divorce, and is dating a man 30 years younger! Plus she might sue for custody of his moustache.

Rest assured however, Hulk Hogan will not stay down for the three count. He will rise up, raise all of Hollywood above his head and slam it to the ground. He'll probably be nominated for a few Golden Globes as well after doing that.