From The Parent Trap to I Know Who Killed Me, Lohan's career has been as versatile as her urine samples

Each week this column is usually dedicated to one of the finest films that Hollywood has to offer. This week's format is going to be different however. In honour of Sexual Awareness Dayz here at Fanshawe, I'll be taking a look at a sexpot.

According to urbandictionary.com, a sexpot is “usually horny, promiscuous, and men probably think they will have a chance with her.” This is certainly a fitting description of one of the silver screen's brightest starlets, the supremely talented, the incomparable Lindsay Lohan.

I'll be taking a look at some of Ms. Lohan's greatest onscreen triumphs, and provide detailed and poignant insight into her performances.

Lindsay first hit it big in her early teens with the films Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and The Parent Trap. I didn't see either of these films, probably because I am not, nor have I ever been a 13-year-old girl.

She went on to star in the very successful film Freaky Friday, where her character switches places with her mom, played by Jamie Lee Curtis. The parent/child switcheroo formula was perfected back in 1987 with Like Father, Like Son, starring Kirk Cameron and Dudley Moore. So why did they even try to top it? More importantly, why go see it? I could not come up with a satisfactory answer, so I stayed home.

In 2004, Lohan would go on to garner the greatest critical praise of her young career with her starring role in the film Mean Girls. Many felt it was a brilliant satire of the class system that exists within high school. I on the other hand thought it was stupid.

That's right, stupid. I have been told that Mean Girls was supposed to be a parody of other silly films that deal with teenage girls. Airplane! was a parody. Spaceballs was a parody. If Mean Girls was supposed to be a parody, it failed miserably, and became exactly what it was supposed to be mocking. I guess it was just so funny, I forgot to laugh.

Come to think of it, I don't particularly like Lindsay Lohan. I don't know why I wrote all of those nice things about her in the first few paragraphs. For that matter, why the hell am I even writing a career tribute to her?

I really cannot even comprehend why she has become so popular. Is it because the young boys love her? Well, I've got news for them. The next time they are yanking their doodle during a scene in I Know Who Killed Me where LiLo shows some side boob, consider this — Lindsay Lohan and “Malcolm in the Middle” star Frankie Muniz are the same person. Don't believe me? Do some Google image searching. The results will prove my theory. You might as well be watching Agent Cody Banks (which you should, it's fantastic, I ought to review that one soon).

Is it because she is such a talented performer? Cleary I don't think that is the reason. As an actress she is average. As a singer she could only aspire to be average. However, as a screw up, she truly excels.

People love watching a train wreck, and that is exactly what Lindsay has become. But she has a disease, some bleeding hearts might say. Leprosy, that is a disease. The plague, that's a hell of a disease. Well, I wouldn't be surprised if Ms. Lohan does in fact have a disease, most likely gonorrhea (which you can read more about in other parts of this issue of the Interrobang). That being said, millionaire movie star who can't stop drinking and driving (and snorting), well, that isn't a disease that is going to warrant a telethon.

Hopefully Lindsay Lohan's next role will be that of frightened inmate #2 in the Los Angeles County penal system. That's something people could get behind. Please make your own joke using the phrases “penal,” “get behind” and “Lindsay Lohan.”

The next time the Cinema Connoisseur decides to do a career tribute, I promise I will pick a more worthy subject. Possibly that young Britney Spears girl. She was a joy to watch in Crossroads. Hopefully she doesn't do anything to disappoint me between now and the time I write that article.