Welcome to the apocalypse.

It’s half past three and the minutes are dragging by as Mr. Schneebly drones on about the benefits of getting an early start on the term project. Rambunctious kids go running down the hall and typical Friday afternoon chatter can be heard from the nearby cafeteria. What you didn’t realize at the time was that the kid running by was missing part of his arm, and the commotion down the hall sounds a lot closer than the cafeteria.

Keep calm, breathe and don’t lose your shit because you and me, we’re going to make it through this together. We’re going to survive the zombie apocalypse but right now I need you to do one thing for me. Run.

The most important thing to remember right now is don’t be a hero. This isn’t a video game, and you have no idea how contagious this virus is. One drop of blood could be the difference between life and the undead.

Lots of people think that getting out of town to try and escape the zombie infection is the smartest thing to do but this is a giant faux pas. It’s safe to assume that wherever you go you will encounter the infection so it’s more important to remain in an area that you know exceptionally well.

Knowing shortcuts and layouts of your surroundings is highly valuable. A good reason for bunkering down in rez is that there are a number of locked doors between you and the outside world that will provide a decent amount of protection in the short term. Another reason for our hiding spot is that if you can find a master keycard from the front desk then your food supplies just multiplied significantly. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though, first we need to lock down the room.

Barricade the door with every bit of furniture available and turn off all the lights. Unplug anything that could make noise and turn your phone on silent. Most importantly, charge all devices that can be used for communication and turn your phone brightness down to conserve battery life.

Now that you have shelter, consider your other two necessities: food and water. Take stock of all water bottles and fill every cup, jug, bottle, bucket, garbage can, sink and bathtub in your space. Dehydration is the biggest concern to your survival. The human body can survive much longer without food, so don’t rush through your meal supply. Eat the food that’s going to expire first and try to avoid cooking anything.

If you can survive the first few days then the danger of zombies starts to diminish while the risks of other humans begins to increase. Although your dorm is barricaded, it’s important that you are invisible to all humans that find a way into the room. The best option for this is to find a way into the ceiling and spend as much time living there as possible. It’s a good idea to store a large amount of your provisions here too so that you won’t dehydrate or starve if forced to remain there for a long duration. Despite your careful preparations, you’ll eventually run out of water and be forced to leave the safety of your dorm.

Before leaving, consider protecting yourself. Despite the weather you’ll want to wear a sweater and pants as they provide the best coverage. For further protection wrap your clothing in a layer of duct tape and be sure to tape the ends of your sleeves and pants to your gloves and socks. It might sound ridiculous but this extra layer could give you the crucial second needed to survive. Also, prepare a light go-bag that’s easy to run with because you might have to leave in a hurry. Pack a change of clothes, food, water containers and small objects to throw in case you need to redirect someone’s attention. A roll of duct tape wouldn’t hurt either.

Now that you’re travelling, you should find a weapon. Most people would opt for a blade, but don’t be fooled! You’re far more likely to cut yourself than to do actual damage to a zombie and even if you do, chances are you’ll get the blade stuck in your foe. If available, a pocketknife should be packed away but only for survival needs opposed to confrontation. The best weapon to bring with you is a bludgeon weapon. They’re easy to find and easy to replace if dropped during an escape. They’re also the best weapon for putting distance between you and the zombies, which is far more important than actually killing them. Besides, the blood splatter from these infected assailants might be enough to turn you into one of them.

While we’re on the topic of combat, it’s important to note that every time you encounter and fight with a zombie you’re wasting resources. This isn’t a video game and you gain absolutely nothing from defeating zombies. You simply lose valuable energy that can be channeled into something more productive.

Now, back to the topic of water, because you’re probably running pretty low by now. While looking for water supply don’t go to the places that other people would go. Why? Well to put it simply, people breed zombies, so if you go somewhere with a dense population then you’re likely to encounter more zombies. The best places to find water are golf courses and cemeteries as they often have water features. A cemetery is the better choice of the two because people don’t often go there on normal days, so why would anyone go there during an apocalypse? Additionally there’s often a mausoleum or a crematorium that can provide you with both shelter and a higher vantage point. Learn the building, learn its secrets and live in a way that anyone walking in would assume it’s abandoned.

Above all, the golden rule is to travel as little as possible and remain invisible. In the apocalypse you are the most valuable commodity on Earth. This not only refers to zombies, but to humans as well, humans who would wish to enslave you, use you as bait or eat you if they’re hungry enough. Who knows how long the apocalypse will last but if you follow this essential guide, you are likely to discover what it’s like to survive it.

Special thanks to Matt Mogk, founder of the Zombie Research Society. Mogk spoke at Fanshawe a number of years ago, preparing our alumni for the impending apocalypse. He provided the quintessential information that inspired this survival guide.



CREDIT: The Walking Dead - AMC Network Entertainment LLC.; Slayer - Nuclear Blast Records