CREDIT: CHEE SIANG FAM / THINKSTOCK
The simple act of opening a door can lead to a spiraling mess of moral decisions.

Human life is a diverse and complex mystery, but there’s one thing that unifies nearly each and every one of us: doors.

House doors, locked doors, trap doors, car doors, fake doors and occasionally, sentient doors that moan and croak when opened. With so many of us passing through these open frames each day, our lives hanging on their hinges, it surprises me that door etiquette isn’t a bigger issue.

When using doors I find that I encounter three prominent political standpoints: the Conservative Closers, the Nonchalant Door Pushers (NDP) and lastly the “Leave-It- Open” Liberals. Each of these philosophies can thrive in different situations, but to let them all exist side by side is a slippery slope into a door doomsday.

When debating political allegiances, consider your surrounding situation. Did the person in front of you give the door a nonchalant push to keep it open for you? Are you in the middle of a stream of students making their way to class? Chances are this is a situation for NDP door users.

Give the door a bump and let the next person catch its momentum as it swings back. It’s the polite thing to do and it keeps everyone’s spirits up before they enter the desolate and foreboding walls of an 8 a.m. lecture.

Nothing is worse than seeing someone sneak by Fanshawe’s Oxford doors as the metal frame swings shut on face of the person behind them.

This act, called a ‘Conservative Close’, goes beyond making a day worse; it affects all of the soon-to-be door patrons. The resulting halt in momentum can quickly catapult into a full-blown door jam with students on both sides locked in a stalemate.

While the cold outsiders clamour closer to Fanshawe, the brave souls on our frontline are unable to wrench the door open and liberate our fellow outsiders from the jarring winter winds. The insiders encounter an entirely different anguish, desperately seeking a reprieve from the terrors of classes past. They must lie in wait, trapped by the mob of students outside as they helplessly watch bus blue and white drive away from Fanshawe.

Their only escape route rattling down the lane, sluggish, empty and unsympathetic. All of this chaos and unrest can be avoided by simply voting NDP in your next door-election. Say no to the Conservative Close and save somebody’s sanity.

This isn’t to say that Conservative Closers have no place in society. Morality is a grey area and sometimes you need to bite the bullet and let that door slam shut behind you.

Is the person following you a ferocious jungle cat? Are they perhaps speaking in tongues or emitting noxious gasses? Has this person been following you for three blocks and you just realized that they literally have no face? There is no shame in electing to become a Conservative in this moment. For the good of your day-to-day life, it’s in your best interest to slam a physical and metaphorical door in the face – or where a face should be – of danger. However, if the noxious gasses are coming from someone with severe indigestion, this particular danger should encounter as few doors as possible until passing through the bathroom door.

The final power fighting for our vote in Door Democracy is the “Leave-It-Open” Liberals. The Liberals are a rare group of people who see us across the street and remain at the door, holding it open as if this sole gesture will save everyone from ever encountering a Conservative Closer. If there’s a three-meter gap between us, let it go man, we each have two hands and this situation is getting incredibly awkward.

I’m not sure what’s worse, the uneasy eye contact and prolonged smile from the Liberal stranger, or the quiet turmoil of deciding how quickly we need to get to that door before coming off as rude. If you really feel the need to hold the door open for someone who has to break a sweat running to it, just hit the damn ‘Automatic Door Opener’ and get on your way. There are better ways to seek validation than holding a door.

I didn’t ask for this, no one asked for this, so hit the button and live with your life choices. Alternatively if I’m holding three bags of groceries, a carton of eggs and two cases of pop, let’s be real I could really use a Liberal door holder.

You don’t have to be a hero to make someone’s life a little easier; you just need to know what party to vote for. This has been official a message brought to you by the Responsible Door Association of Canada.
Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.