CREDIT: "140802 WATFORD V UDINESE-78" BY FRANZISKA ON FLICKR (CC BY 2.0)
Watford Football Club, nicknamed the Hornets, flaunts a moose on their crest. This is just one of the many ways in which the team is unsure of exactly who they are.

Usually I take this column space to catch readers up on the latest news coming out of England’s top flight of football. In the absence of news, I like to fill it with statistics, player profiles, or any other opportunity to express my love of the beautiful game.

But like last week, in the wake of sitting through five of the driest matches I have seen in a long time I’m not too happy with the Premier League. So, inspired by a postgame rant with a buddy, here is what I hate about each of the 20 Premier League Clubs.

This is the second part to a twopart series ranting about the cons of each Premier League team.

Newcastle United

For a brief moment in the early ’00s Newcastle United made a genuine challenge for the Premier League title and since then they’ve desperately been trying to get within sniffing distance of the top four places.

Fortunately for fans of the beautiful game, the club has been gloriously unsuccessful in that regard, providing far more entertainment off the pitch than they ever have on it.

Owner Mike Ashley is widely regarded as one of the worst in the league, verbally sparring with the clubs most loyal supporters.

Those supporters are easily identifiable by their garb of either a full Newcastle kit on a 40-year-old, or bare torso with NUFC painted across the ample real estate.

Norwich City

The Canaries, what better mascot is there to strike fear into your opponents than a bird so expendable they were tossed in mines simply to die?

Back in the Premier League after a season away, which followed a single season back, Norwich City is establishing themselves as this period’s ‘yo-yo club’.

It’s almost hard to hate Norwich City simply because they are so inconsequential for the majority of a season, occasionally showing up in the headlines with an upset before slipping back into the irrelevance from which they came.

Southampton

For the majority of the ’00s, Southampton’s only influence at the top end of English football was the seemingly endless stream of promising young players purchased by established clubs. That was until some genius in the back office realized that keeping your best players gives you a better chance at winning than selling them.

Having barged their way back into the top flight two seasons ago, the club has survived the loss of several key players to root themselves right in the middle of the pack.

Unfortunately, two seasons at the top were seemingly enough for supporters to forget how vulnerable they are, as they openly mock clubs whom they dreamt about playing not so long ago.

A quick trip back to the Championship is just what the doctor ordered for the uppity South coast club.

Stoke City

The words that sum up Stoke City are thuggish, brutal and ugly. Upon their first promotion in 2008, Stoke immediately began earning the ire of fans everywhere with their unattractive take on the sport.

A team that has been defined by long throws and “hoofball”, they have been attempting to move away from their unwelcome reputation. Yet they only managed to form a side that plays a strange combination of lovely football and play that wouldn’t look out of place in an ill-tempered high school match.

Sunderland

How Sunderland has managed to cling to their top-flight status these last seven years is one of the biggest mysteries in English football.

To put it rather bluntly, the team has never been good, regularly spending the majority of the season in the relegation zone only to be saved by a rival club suddenly surrendering just enough points to keep them up for another year.

Again they have started the season without a win in their first six matches, yet I wouldn’t be shocked to see them skulking around the bottom of the table again come this time next year.

Swansea City

From a semantic perspective, Welsh’s Swansea is the most annoying club in English football. Despite the presence of a league in their own country, Swansea plies their trade in the English football system, having broken ground as the first non-English team to play in the Premier League.

A club with a serious identity crisis, every year the side plays like a totally different team, yet always pulling the same inconsistent results.

They are not good enough to be hated for talent and not bad enough to be hated for being awful; their midfield of higher club washouts and their inexperienced manager are leading the Welsh club absolutely nowhere.

Tottenham Hotspur

Once upon a time Tottenham had Gareth Bale on their team, he lead them to the Champion’s League for the first time and was the only player of consequence in an otherwise inconsequential run.

Unfortunately, the brief flirtation with the big leagues has inflated quite a few heads surrounding White Hart Lane.

They seem to regard themselves as a top four club. Ever since Bale’s departure, Tottenham has been locked in a battle for relevance at the top end of the table.

The brief taste of continental competition has left all involved desperately wanting more, and driving themselves into the ground to do so.

The highly publicized and highly comical squandering of the Bale money proves to be continued ammunition for anyone looking to take a quick shot at Spurs.

Watford

Their nickname is the Hornets, but their crest has a moose. Sure they play in yellow, but the black stripes are only an occasional touch.

Such is the enigma of Watford, no one really has a clue what they’re about at any given time. The club’s biggest claim to fame is the fact that Elton John is the honourary life president despite a total lack of football history or qualifications to run a club.

The team’s mere presence in the top flight after John ceased his hands-on involvement is proof that just because you may be the most passionate supporter, in reality you probably don’t know a thing.

West Bromwich Albion

One of the original Premier League yo-yo clubs, West Bromwich has gotten their string jammed in the top flight, bringing second tier mentalities to the very top.

An utter refusal to spend on any but the cheapest players has the club just managing to cling to life with their motley crew of average looking footballers.

Scorers of ugly goals, West Bromwich is not the club to be found at the top of any highlight reel and a fixture against them is always a good time to catch a quick nap.

West Ham United

The only reason most people outside of England have heard of West Ham United is the sterling portrayal of their kindest fans in Green Street Hooligans.

A sadly accurate image of a good portion of their support, fans of ‘The Hammers’ really live up to their name in every sense of the word.

The only club in the top flight with a rival that requires a veritable army of police and boarded up shops to contain an inevitable disaster, a large part of the West Ham mentality is firmly stuck in the worst times of the ’80s.