Adoptees and foster children: The hidden community

I was adopted at eight weeks old by two loving parents. Adoption rarely crossed my mind at a young age, and I thought myself the same as any other kid. It wasn’t until I reached university that I started to become aware of the profound affect being adopted has had on my identity and the relationships I have tried to form.

It’s important to mention that not every adoptee feels the same about their adoption experience – some may feel disconnected, while others are grateful and still others are indifferent. Everyone experiences their separation in a different way and some may choose not think about it. For me, adoption has affected my life and I hope that those of you with similar experiences would take a moment to think about the impact it’s had on yours.

There is evidence to suggest that separation from one’s family at any age, even that of an infant has always known that they were adopted, can dramatically affect one’s identity. While this article does focus on adoption, I believe these shared experiences of separation that come from both adoption and the foster care system are worth building a community around which society has yet to fully recognize.

I believe this lack of recognition comes from adoption being a taboo subject, where the idea of being adopted may be explicitly or implicitly ignored by society, the family or the adoptees themselves. It’s as if people don’t really see adoption. Their eyes seem to glaze over the history of the child from the moment of birth to the adoption into their new family. The reality is that even as infants, adoptees are capable of experiencing the very deep and real separation that comes from losing their biological family, particularly their biological mother.

In Developmental Challenges for Adoptees Across the Life Cycle, Michael F. McGinn argued that even infants placed directly into adoptive families experience loss that imprints itself on the unconscious mind. This is something Nancy Verrier calls in her book The Primal Wound the idea that adoptees retain memories of the loss of their biological mother that will impact their life well into adulthood.

Adoptees are not the same as biological children and they are not able to replace them. Adoptees are every bit a part of their family as biological children are, but believing they are the same involves ignoring a crucial part of their history.

In Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self, David M. Brodzinsky argued that adoptees not only grieve for parents they never knew, but also for the loss of a part of themselves, that is, their origin and history.

“[The] idea that children adopted in the first days of life who never knew their birth parents are still capable of grieving for them has been difficult for many people to accept.”

I believe these shared experiences with adoption and the foster care system are worth building a community around in London. If you are over 18 and would like to be apart of this community, different ways of connecting have been set up through Facebook (facebook.com/groups/adopteelondon), Twitter (@adoptfosternet) and by emailing adoptfosternet@gmail.com.

For those of you between 13 and 18, you can join the Adoptive Youth Network, which meets on the third Tuesday night of every month. You can contact Cindy Stewart at cindy5stewart75@yahoo.ca for more information.

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