It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel . . . fine?

Victoria (CUP) — Recent doomsday speculation by scientists and the media has me pondering what would be the best route to ride out Earth's untimely demise. The following are my top five picks for the most desirable ways for us to join the void of non-existence.

Number One: Nuclear war
Renewed concerns of nuclear annihilation have been sparked by North Korea's recent missile test launches. Hypocritical reactions by other holders of the ultimate thunderstick have increased the Vegas odds of doomsday à la missile.

The world's combined arsenal, an estimated 20,000 short, medium and long-range nuclear warheads, could assuredly blow up the planet many times over. On the positive side, all-out nuclear war would be relatively quick and painless. Sure many Earthlings would suffer from acute stress while huddled around the family television set, scarfing down cheezies while watching CNN's extensive mushroom cloud coverage, but alcohol, marijuana and Prozac for the kids should make waiting for the inevitable more palatable.

Note: Nuclear war only tops the list if a mass missile launch occurs and there are no survivors; otherwise, due to the discomfort and irritation of radiation burns and the resulting general chaotic milieu of a dying civilization, it ranks at number three.

Number Two: Global warming
Fortunately Al Gore has reminded us of the consequences of our unquenchable consumption of fossil fuels. Global warming, according to reputable scientists, could cause epic destruction involving extreme weather, floods, droughts, epidemics and killer heat waves beyond anything we have ever experienced.

The upside? Well, firstly we'd all be witness to the destructive beauty of Mother Nature, either firsthand or via the Weather Channel. Secondly, global warming would take a while to wipe all of us out, giving us time to go for a relaxing drive in the old SUV while listening to Radiohead sing, “You do it to yourself, you do/ And that's what really hurts.”

Number Three: Worldwide Viral Pandemic
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), SARS, HIV, avian-flu, Ebola virus and others on the mutated horizon could make us a planet of intolerable, incurable sickies. Not a nice way for humanity to peter-out.

Living in a world where people fear contact with others could create a new fashion industry for chic, contaminate-resistant suits, complete with stylish particle filter masks. But the social paranoia would make dates and sexual encounters hard to come by.

Number Four: Diminished Water and Food Supply
It's not just overpopulation that threatens the world's water and food supply. According to WHO, technologies that developed countries use to make modern life comfy and non-labour intensive have already poisoned much of the world's water, which in turn poisons our agriculture. With heavily populated countries such as China and India becoming ever more industrial, sustainability experts expect water and food resources to dwindle fast.

Now, I'm sure some readers are surprised that this scenario is so low on the list. Remember, Canada has more safe drinking water than any other country on Earth, but hungry and thirsty people are usually grumpy and not fun to be around. And if humans are willing to war over energy resources, imagine what we would do to acquire food and water resources (please refer to option number one).

Number Five: The Biblical Apocalypse
The end of the world as carried out by God.
As a card-carrying atheist, this doomsday possibility doesn't hold much water in my opinion. But if I'm wrong, an invisible entity in the sky has pre-planned everything in the universe, including the destruction of Earth. This would be the worst possible doomsday scenario, because if the greatest conceivable being is a destructive bastard, I don't relish spending eternity with him or her.

But there is hope for humanity. Last month, respected astrophysicist Stephen Hawking announced a 100-year plan for human continuity: colonize space.

“It is important for the human race to spread out into space for the survival of the species. Life on Earth is at the ever-increasing risk of being wiped out,” he said.

It's not clear why Hawking wants humanity to survive. He points out intelligent life in the universe includes the human race, “even though much of its behaviour throughout history has been pretty stupid, and not calculated to aid the survival of the species.” And for those readers who think doomsday isn't inevitable, I congratulate you on your optimism and challenge you to do something to prove me wrong. In the meantime I'll keep my money riding on nuclear war and hope I don't hit the jackpot.

Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.