Top tips to dominate your job hunt
You've gone on a couple job
interviews but to no avail, and
you're starting to get frustrated.
Don't worry! I've come up with a foolproof system to land the job or your money back guaranteed.
The Resume
- Put everything you've ever accomplished on your resume, including your participation medal in track and field and your Mario Kart time trial records.
- Get creative with the truth. You'll definitely get the job for being able to talk to dolphins and getting an award from the President for having the coolest Tribal tattoo in the world.
- Three words: ClipArt, WordArt, EVERYWHERE.
The Interview
- Get to know your future boss before your interview. Hide in their bushes, dig through her trash, find out where she sleeps and follow them in her grocery store — now you have lots to talk about during your interview.
- Wear sweatpants and a mustard stained T-shirt to the interview. Tell your boss he dresses like a nerd and to get with the times. He'll think you're cool and are hip with the newest fashion trends.
- Everybody loves Mad Men, so take a page from their script to get the job, you square! Waltz right in and tell that fine bird of a receptionist you'd like to see what's under that dress. Put your feet up on the boss's desk, light yourself a cigar and pour a nice 9 a.m. glass of scotch. If he gets fresh with ya, tell him to go suck a lemon.
- Act busy to show you're a very important person. Show up to the interview half an hour late, sit down with your Bluetooth in your ear and tell your interviewer, “Listen, I have five minutes, so let's make this quick.”
- Take multiple texts and calls throughout the interview to show your boss you're a multi-tasker and a go-getter.
- Talk a lot of trash about your last job. Your interviewer will be excited to hear the funny story about how you were fired because your stupid old boss didn't like it when you stabbed a co-worker with a pair of scissors.
- Don't be boring and say your “greatest weakness” is you're too hard a worker or too detail-orientated; everyone's heard that a million times. Spice it up a little and say something interesting that shows you have a lot of interests, such as, “I have difficulties tying knots in high-stress situations,” or “I am a pathological liar during interviews.”
- Answer questions with questions; people love riddles! You'll seem both intelligent and mysterious. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” “Where do any of us see ourselves in five years?”
- Everyone loves a good “your mama” joke.
- When the interview is drawing to a close, stare your future boss right in the eye and stay silent — this will assert your dominance as alpha in the office, and everyone will be sure to respect you.
DISCLAIMER: If any of this seems like solid job hunt advice, you need a lot more help than Interrobang's annual Job Hunt issue can offer you. Go to Career Services in D1063 right away.
Don't worry! I've come up with a foolproof system to land the job or your money back guaranteed.
The Resume
- Put everything you've ever accomplished on your resume, including your participation medal in track and field and your Mario Kart time trial records.
- Get creative with the truth. You'll definitely get the job for being able to talk to dolphins and getting an award from the President for having the coolest Tribal tattoo in the world.
- Three words: ClipArt, WordArt, EVERYWHERE.
The Interview
- Get to know your future boss before your interview. Hide in their bushes, dig through her trash, find out where she sleeps and follow them in her grocery store — now you have lots to talk about during your interview.
- Wear sweatpants and a mustard stained T-shirt to the interview. Tell your boss he dresses like a nerd and to get with the times. He'll think you're cool and are hip with the newest fashion trends.
- Everybody loves Mad Men, so take a page from their script to get the job, you square! Waltz right in and tell that fine bird of a receptionist you'd like to see what's under that dress. Put your feet up on the boss's desk, light yourself a cigar and pour a nice 9 a.m. glass of scotch. If he gets fresh with ya, tell him to go suck a lemon.
- Act busy to show you're a very important person. Show up to the interview half an hour late, sit down with your Bluetooth in your ear and tell your interviewer, “Listen, I have five minutes, so let's make this quick.”
- Take multiple texts and calls throughout the interview to show your boss you're a multi-tasker and a go-getter.
- Talk a lot of trash about your last job. Your interviewer will be excited to hear the funny story about how you were fired because your stupid old boss didn't like it when you stabbed a co-worker with a pair of scissors.
- Don't be boring and say your “greatest weakness” is you're too hard a worker or too detail-orientated; everyone's heard that a million times. Spice it up a little and say something interesting that shows you have a lot of interests, such as, “I have difficulties tying knots in high-stress situations,” or “I am a pathological liar during interviews.”
- Answer questions with questions; people love riddles! You'll seem both intelligent and mysterious. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” “Where do any of us see ourselves in five years?”
- Everyone loves a good “your mama” joke.
- When the interview is drawing to a close, stare your future boss right in the eye and stay silent — this will assert your dominance as alpha in the office, and everyone will be sure to respect you.
DISCLAIMER: If any of this seems like solid job hunt advice, you need a lot more help than Interrobang's annual Job Hunt issue can offer you. Go to Career Services in D1063 right away.
